Irreconcilable~Mattheo Riddle

Year 5: Mattheos pov (part 8)

Song: How Villains Are Made - Madalen Duke

It's been exactly 36 hours since Y/N tried to use Crucio on me. And I saw the Potters for what they are. 

Both of them are foul creatures willing to hurt anyone just out of vengeance. As I sit here in my common room reviewing the events that have just occurred I can't help but queestion if I have been on the wrong side all along.

The people in the Order, Dumbledore's army and all those stupid fucking groups, are the same as everyone else. They are willing to hurt people to see results, they are willing to kill people I have grown up around, and why should I be the one to abandon my family, my beliefs?

Why should I be the one to sacrifice everything for one girl? A girl who doesn't love me, who is no better than any of the other people sitting next to my father?

My mind wanders to when Sirius spoke to me in the Department of Mysteries. He told me knows how Y/N feels about me, but he also knows that I have been subjected to years of exposure to the ways of death eaters and he is worried about how that may affect me. He told me about his family, of course I knew of them well. I am required to know about each of the families.

They were loyal followers.  But he asked me, that if Y/N were to decide it is I that she wants, that I treat her well.

Well, little did he know his precious Godchild would hurt me, would be willing to put my life on the line just to get revenge.

As I sit here in this room, I am revolted by the idea that I thought someone could care for me. How could I think that someone would actually love me? I was brought down my weakness and manipulation by a woman.

She brought me to my knees, stripped me bare and made a fool of me. She exposed me in front of my family, in front of people I thought could be my friends.

She is more right than ever, she is my enemy, and she shall be treated accordingly.

I get up and head over to my desk and I start writing a letter, I have to pick a side and I would rather pick a side that I can have control over and are predictable in their threats, retailations. A side I know how to handle.

I tell Bellatrix that I am ready to get the dark mark, that I wish to finally and officially join the death eaters. I tell my mother that I was stupid, and I wish to prove my loyalty to the right side of the war.

"Writing a love letter, Mattheo?" I hear Lorenzo tease as he walks into the room.

My silence, causes him to push more, "Probably to Y/N, am I right?" he laughs at his own idiotic jokes.

"Say that name again and I will personally oversee the termination of your family from the Death Eaters." I put the letter in the envelope and start making my way down to the owlery.

"Mattheo, what the hell happened?" I hear him say, but I push past him and ignore him.

The common room is bustling, and I feel my chest to constrict at the sight of all these people, almost as if I am claustrophobic in this giant room, but its packed, there are people everywhere, they are taking up all the air and I can't breathe.

I have to get out of here.

I push past my fellow classmates and catch them glaring at me more so than ever, they are all holding newspapers. In the haze I catch glimpses of headlines "Voldemort back?"

As I reach the door, the corridor is empty, and I am able to steady myself, holding one of the pillars and trying to breathe, but I have somehow forgotten. 

Breathe

I try to focus on the direction I have to take, but everything seems hazy in front of me. Is this my hand? Am I really here? I can't focus, and I clutch my chest.

"Mattheo?" 

"Get away from me!" I shout, I am still able to recognize her figure, her outline, the silhouette that haunts me.

"I just want to talk, please!" 

The desperation in her voice frightens me, and I try to focus on getting better, "Mattheo, are you okay?"

Her hand touches my shoulder, and something within me snaps, "I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE! TELL ME WHY IN GOD'S NAME YOU ARE STILL HERE?!"

"I just wanted-" I hear her step back, I am not looking at her, but still clutching my chest.

"I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WANT! I DONT CARE ABOUT THE NEEDS OF SOME WORTHLESS HALF-BLOOD WALKING AROUND AS IF SHE IS INNOCENT WHEN IN REALITY YOURE FUCKING CRAZY! "

I can't stop myself, I feel separated from my body, my brain is begging for me to keep quiet, to stop, but I can't. 

"YOU ARE SICK IN THE HEAD! AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I HATE YOU AND FOR WHAT YOU DID, IF SIRIUS WAS HERE, HE WOULD TOO!"

My eyes start to focus again, my breathing is rapid, but at least I can and I am grateful for the air in my lungs. But Y/N...

"Oh..." she is shaking, "Um..." she looks around, and wipes her eyes, which are bloodshot, I only notice now, "Guess I'll go."

She turns around slowly, and I want to stop her, I desperately just want to hold her, I want to say I can forgive her, but 

"Y/N. wait." I watch as she stops, without looking at me, she remains as still as a statue. 

I want to say one last thing I said to her, before I headed off to the owlery to deliver the letter, solidifying my fate and choosing a side, regardless of whether it is right or wrong,

"Never speak to me again."