Irreconcilable~Mattheo Riddle

Year 5: Y/Ns pov (part 9)

Song: Castles Crumbling- Taylor Swift

This is usually the part where Harry, Hermoine, Ron and I look back at the year and laugh about all the stupid things we did. We sit together and allow ourselves to feel everything we may have suppressed. We are able to simply be kids and forget for a moment (at least) that we are forced to the jobs that the adults are supposed to do.

But this time, I'm sitting alone. 

I tried to find Harry and the rest, but they closed the curtains as I walked past, and tried to greet them.

I obviously didn't see Mattheo.

So, I am here alone, in a train cabin simply feeling sorry for myself. I feel the weight of the world crash down on me, and I am unable to hold back tears.

I quickly close the curtains, and allow myself to sink down on the floor, and I cry.

I allow myself to relish in the pain of losing my Godfather, my brother, my Mattheo and my dignity.

I have nothing left for me. I am but a waste of space, who pollutes the airspace I occupy. I corrupt the very root of all things good and defile the innocence of the pure.

In conclusion, there is nothing left for me.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do from here and I fear what might become of me, if I am to fester in my own pity. 

They all hate me. This much is true, and if it is hate they feel, then why not let it grow, let it expand and swell like the rising seas until they have no choice but to completely disregard me from their life. I'm already halfway there and a redemption arc, is that really what all of this has come to?

Mattheo has now seen me as a scum and will most likely never want to be part of the death eaters. Harry will be committed as ever. I am in the perfect position.

If I were to, join the death eaters... I could be a help to Snape. I could help the order without them knowing and hopefully, get my revenge.

A psychotic teenage girl.

It would be believable, Harry claimed me dead in his eyes in front of high-ranking death eaters. They saw me lose everything, subsequently would it be hard to believe that someone exiled from her only family would turn to them?

Problem is, I am a half-blood, but so is Voldemort. I could perhaps play on that fact to convince them I should join them. The issue of my friend being a muggle-born? Easily rectified... she turned her back on me. The Weasley's are supporters of muggle-born's and they left me too, so I can state my case without much suspicion.

I was known to be acquaintances with a few Slytherins with disheartening reputations, how hard could it be to pull this off? As long as I had the sweet satisfaction of putting an end to Voldemort, it would be worth it.

But would Sirius approve? Would this plan make my mother smile, or would she weep knowing what her daughter turned out to be?

I have no choice. 

There is nothing left for me on the other side, the Order hates me. But things can change. They can. I won't have do this ridiculous plan...

The train comes to a sudden stop.

Maybe, if I find Harry now, maybe then, we could fix things still. Maybe I don't have to go through with this plan anymore.

I run out of the compartment, almost pushing past people, full of hope. I'm praying I can still see my friends, and let them see me as... not  bad person.

From the distance, I see Harry's messy hair and Hermoine's curls, "Harry!" I wave in their direction.

They don't seem to notice me, "Harry!" I say once more, "Wait". 

Still they do not turn around. I run to finally catch up to them and I tap my brother on the shoulder. He does not acknowledge me, so I do the same to Hermoine.

She turns around, "Y/N, um... how was the train ride?" she is looking from Harry to me

"Fine." I lie, placing a fake smile on my face, "And yours?"

Once again, she is keeping her eyes on Harry, "Harry asked me to tell you, that he... he doesn't want..." She stops herself as if she can't get the words out, "Harry, please don't make me say it."

"Hey guys! Oh-" Ron catches up to them, but then looks to me filled with pity.

"God, if none of you will say it I will." Harry turns arounds and looks fuming, "Stay away from all of us, and if I catch you near any of my friends, I will not hesitate to put you in your place."

"Harry that's a bit harsh!" Hermoine says, grabbing his shoulder, "You didn't say that last bit in the compartment!"

"Yeah, well, I took creative liberties." He says looking from her to me, once again.

"And you agree with this?" I point an accusatory finger at Hermoine.

She looks to Harry and then to me, "I-," she stutters, "I don't know what to feel after everything..." she pauses a moment longer, as if trying to figure out the answer to some algebraic problem, "I want to be there for both of you, so I would rather have neither than choose." She wipes her eyes which seem to be on the brink of tears, "Happy holidays you two, I will hopefully see you next year."

I can't help but notice her smile at Ron, and his ears turn a blush red. "And you?" I say in disbelief.

Ron looks at Harry, "I think I will stick with my best mate thank you very much." 

"Fine by me, you pathetic second-rate wizard," I spew these words before I have the chance to stop myself. I have no control anymore and I am lonelier than ever. I have no-one. I have nothing to lose anymore, nothing I say will fix anything so why should I even try to fake the niceties when everyone I love abandoned me when things got tough. I by no means excuse my actions but I believe being forsaken was the worst thing these people have done to me.

I decide I won't be going back to the Dursley's. I walk in the opposite direction from Harry and Ron. I will live anywhere else. I will live on the streets if I must, anything to be away from these people.

As I walk, I see Mattheo. We look at each other briefly, and I feel a piece of myself shatter.  

I know what I have to do.