Changbins pov
*flashback*
Holding the door shut as your dad tried to barge in and scream at you was never never easy task, especially not for me. A twelve year old with barley any muscles....one day I'll get big and strong and I'll defend myself from the people that want to hurt me.
Well....I don't think my parents want to hurt me, they love me...they just. Don't know how to handle their anger.
" SEO CHANGBIN OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY!" dad's voice boomed through the house
I felt tears in my eyes, I slipped in my headphones and began to listen to music to block out his yells while I held the door with all the strength in my body to protect myself. He'll cool off soon enough, then I can go back downstairs and neither of them will acknowledge that anythings happened. Mom will smile and kiss me of the forehead and ask what I want to eat because I apparently haven't eaten enough and dad will walk over hug me and as me if I wanna watch the game or play pool with him. It's always the same
I can't call the situation I've grown up in traumatic....its loving, but it's fucking terrifying sometimes
Tears finally escaped my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks as the ramming got harder and harder, but I couldn't let him in. If I did I would have two black eyes and many other injuries to my face once he was done with me
*now*
I giggled as I held the door shut, seungmin wining at me to open it. It's been a while since I've held a door closed like this, I'm just happy that this time it's for fun.
" no can do seungminnie!" I laughed
" cmon, its my room!" He yelled and kicked the door, startling me slightly "please binnie, don't go through my stuff!"
" why~ you hiding something dirty?" I mischievously spoke
" no! Of course not! Just . Please." He punched the door
" cmoonnn, I just took an eyebrow pencil it's not that deep" I teased
" yeah, now I'm walking around with half done makeup looking stupid. And I don't care about the fucking eyebrow pencil! Please just don't look through my stuff!" He groaned
" finne , buzzkill" I pouted and opened the door
He immediately pushed past me and ran to his draws, opening the top one and checking everything was untouched
Okay, now I'm curious
" min?" I hummed " what's in there?"
" nothing " he mumbled " now give me back the pencil so I can finnish my makeup "
I handed it to him, he snatched it out of my hand and stormed off . I furrowed my brows , whatevers in that drawer must've really set him off because he wouldn't have reacted so strongly over an eyebrow pencil...surely.
I shouldn't look....I wanna look, but I shouldn't. It would be an invasion of his privacy but...I wanna know what made him so upset...
" don't look" I mumbled to myself " it would only annoy him"
I thought for a moment, trying to stop my every urge from leading me to the drawer but I'm not strong enough mentally to ignore what clearly freaked out my best friend/brother so much.
I walked over and opened it, just a book...huh
I opened the book cautiously, it's just a journal. What made him so worried? I read teh latest entry
Dear journal
I don't know what the fuck I want to be, I wanna be a boy. I love my body and having masculine features and just being masculine in general....but, I also wanna be a girl, I wanna wear pretty dresses and have a small waist. What does this make me? I could ask jisung, but I doubt he'll have the answers that I'm looking for
See you later
Seungmin xxx
I put it back into its original spot, was seungmin gender fluid? Great....now I'm just more confused. I shouldn't have looked...I'm a bad brother.
I left the room and shut the door, quickly leaving and making sure seungmin didn't spot me from the partially opened bathroom door, one thought on my mind as I went
' why did he freak out so much? Does he think we wouldn't accept him?'
I don't know, but a part of me wants to tell someone so we can prove to him He will be loved no matter what. But I can't , he'll be angry I looked....maybe I should let him tell us in his own time....but what if he never does? I don't know...I just hope he trusts us all enough to tell us soon
