Phan Fluff

An Open Letter To My Lion

This video is an open letter to my best friend, and the love of my life, Phil.
When I subscribed to your YouTube channel all those many years ago I had no clue where it would lead. In fact, I could never have imagined the joy I would experience because of it. So first off, I want to thank you. Because, lion, you complete me.
I often think about before I met you, before I even knew you existed. Life was a shit hole. I hated people. People hated me. Fuck, I get depressed just thinking about it. I know a lot of the fans speculate about my history, and I'm not gonna lie, it sucked, but none of that matters now. I wish they'd realized the reason I didn't talk about it was because I was happy with where I was at.

Phil, I have loved you since the day you mailed me 100 boxes of Malteasers when I was sick with that bloody cold that would not go away. Since the first time we skyped and you told me that I was important. Since the afternoon one of my childhood friends told me to kill myself and you wouldn't hang up until I had fallen asleep to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. Fuck, I can't remember not loving you.
I remember seeing your face for the first time, on my absolute crap laptop at the time, and just thinking, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, he's beautiful. And then at the train station litrally almost having a heart attack because you were that much more stunning IRL.
Phil, there are so many things I want to say in this, and I really do honestly regret not saying them before. But you are such a light in this world. I think that was the main thing that made me keep watching your videos at first. I latched onto this creature, the first person that ever made me have hope in the universe. I aspired, and still do, to be more like you every day. We joke around so much, and some days I wonder if it had been different. If we had taken the route, as some youtubers choose to do, and documented our relationship. We would never have had to hide. We wouldn't have had to be anywhere near as careful.
On that note though, thank you. Phil, how did you always know? You knew I wasn't ready, and even when I said okay, you knew I was just saying that for you. Thank you for always respecting my fear of what we had leaving. It's a ridiculous thought, but it has always plagued me, and you never were hurt or offended by it, and you have no idea what that has meant to me.
Jesus, where even am I going with all this? I guess, I just wanted to say, I miss you. Like a literal fuck ton. I know what you would tell me right now, that I need to take care of myself, but I haven't fucking seen you in 10 hours. I still haven't grasped that those 10 hours will just keep multiplying. Fuck, give me a moment.

Okay, I need to wrap this up, I'm starting to lose it. Philip, my lion, you were an angel on this earth. You were my angel. And I loved you more than humanly possible. I miss you, like, please come back? Your mum was here a bit ago, and I just had the strongest urge to build a tent in the lounge and watch anime and cuddle with you. And I realized that I will never be able to satisfy that craving.
Phil, I think the most important thing I'm trying to say though is that I will not give up. Fuck I want to, but I could never bear knowing I wasted my life when you didn't get to finish yours.
Lion, thank you for litrally making me the happiest man in the universe. I hope you were satisfied with your care.