𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓝𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓑𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓶𝓼 [𝓗𝓮𝓮𝓴𝓲] ✔️

♪ᝯׁhׁׅ֮ɑׁׅ֮℘tׁׅꫀׁׅܻꭈׁׅ -2ﾉ⁠♪

𝓗𝓮𝓮 𝓟𝓸𝓿

January, 2020,

It's been a month. Since He came home as my Step- Brother. Every second when I think about it, my head dazes. I'm in love with Him from almost two Years. And He never knows it. So I could play it cool. 

But the problem here is...I am unable to.

The Heeseung He knows now is no more a Heeseung he used to be. 

I always used to be free and myself while seeing Him from a far, and somehow it gave me a lot of energy. Seeing His cheerful smile is my daily medication. But now, He is here, beside me, living in the same house, cracking jokes every single second, He is so lively beautiful, that now I can clearly see from near. But...Why am I n-not happy?

He is roaming around me with his joyful eyes and enchanting giggles, why am I not happy? 

He is so alive, being next to me, trying His best to start a conversation but, why am I not happy?

"Enough with your jokes, Niki. It's time to go to school. Dad also has to go and ready to his office." The Lad- Mother warns with her spatula while raising her eyebrows from the kitchen to let her kid stop chatting with His new Father.

"Oops! Okay Mom... I'll be going then." Ki sang while letting his eyebrows dance as a reply. He always be in his playful state, so lovely and energetic just like a carefree bird. But he just doesn't even bother to be serious when it comes to his studies. 

He is still a kid so I understand, but her mother, she is just worried at his kiddo personality. At their duo, I couldn't help but chuckle innerly.

After a couple of seconds, I came out of the house with my backpack, walking to the college which is placed near, in the same way to the Ki's School. In two months, He starts his 11th grade. Even if His ranks are so-so, I still approve Him as a good attentive student. Because, He never skips His school even once.

"Hey, Hyung!" 

As I heard His voice, my head automatically turned back, towards Him. I saw Him smiling to his ears, while playfully keeping his hands on my shoulder. I shivered. I shivered at His cold touch. His cold fingers took it's way to land on my neck lingeringly.

I bit my lower lip in nervousness.

"So... How are you these days?" He almost sounded unsure with His own words. From last few weeks, He is trying His best to get along well with me like how He did to Father. And ofcourse, they had already created a bond that could last longer.

And I..I am trying my best to stay afar from him. Because, apparently, I don't know how to control my feelings. It's like... my words are tightly on their place, zipping themself to open up. But my eyes, no they weren't.

 I'm afraid that I could make him feel unease with my fond.

"A..are you uncomfortable?" Ki took His hand from me and starts to scratch his nape in concern. Looks like, He captured my anxiousness. 

"No." I stated shortly while turning front and walking to my destination. Completely making it look like I'm 'Ignoring Him' and also it is which I obviously hated it.

 I have to stop doing this. Every single time He appears, or tries to talk, I end Him up with nodding or replying with No's. Which is totally making me a person who don't like Him. He might think I hate Him, or don't want Him as my Brother.

Huh! *Sighs*

  So, I tried talking with my friends. They aren't actually friends but close enough to call them as one. I said that, 'I like a boy who is younger than me and now He is my brother' also, adding next to the sentence, 'What to do?' it took so much strength to ask. 

Nonetheless, Some took it as a joke and laughed. Some says that I was effortlessly being funny and I need to grow up by stopping with my dad jokes. They just...don't know me or don't want to know me. Because, whatever I say, they not only don't care but comments & mocks on it.

That's why I kinda always ignore them.

 But Jake is not like that. He is really a good childhood friend. He actually listened and tried to say few words, to console me?!

 "I don't know what you really mean but...Try being a good older brother, then"

  When he said it, I almost broken into tears. Some part of me wanted to not to hear it. But some of me really wanted it. Because, right now, I can't be delusional and fall into a dilemma.

Like you know,

Just think it as...

You had this fond feeling to a boy and your feelings starts to grow as time passes but he never knows. You think everything is fine as long as you could see him once in a day. But, afterall, you somehow got to see him nearly... And now he is no more a person you could share your deep affection like you want do to your partner because he already became your Brother. A step- Brother. 

What do you do, then?

Cry and wait for someone to show their sympathy on you? Maybe I want to. Maybe I need it. Crying is just a word when you are wailing.

Even if my Father had told me His name befor the marriage, I'm not that some Son who would stop or deny his Father's Marriage.  And for what? Just because my love is going to be my step-Brother, I can't tell no to My dad's love and his love towards Ki's Mother.

I just need some time. Not to heal. But to cover and hide these non grown scars. Because they aren't no wounds to me. They are memories. After knowing they are never going to last anymore, now they have become my once memories which takes a bit time to heal.

The carnations that I've planted a Year ago beside my Thousand Star filled Jar is now withered. It was withered even before it bloomed.

Niki needs love. A Love from me as His Older Step- Brother. Not from me, Heeseung, who loves-loved him for quite a bit.

The time, when I spent creating those origami Thousands stars to give on His birthday... is still remained on my study table. Yet, the memory of creating those is reminiscing.

Out of those knitted Thousand Stars which are filled with enhancing Dreams and Thoughts, Childish Words and Jokes, Love and Desire. There are only Two Stars which are filled with Our names in each.

I want to belong with You. Not in a sibling way but...

Let the drift bottle sail...in the water or in the air, I don't care.

Hope, You'll be loved and protected by all, Ki.