Elysian Fields

1 - Aesthete

POV - Elysian

In this chapter: TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE!!'

'Do you ever wonder what the hell your guardian angel is doing? I dreamt. 'Because mine is not doing a very good job'.

"Ellie sweetheart, how are you doing today?" Nora's cheerful voice echoes from the doorway. Nora was my nurse, and you could hear her and the food trolley from miles away. 

I stirred around in my sleep but eventually my eyes slowly fluttered open. 

I shuffled up but I kept my head down, appreciating the few minutes I get without any pain or torture, and stared down at my journal. I never wrote about how my day went or what I did. Instead, I kept a list of special words I liked. I had over 100 words written down, that I adored and have memorised.

My finger brushed over one of my favourite words written in the book: Aesthete.

Someone with deep sensitivity to the beauty of art or nature.

Something I will never be.

 "Elysian, you okay?" I jumped out of my daydream. I endeavoured my most realistic smile and turned to her. Nora fake pouted as she took my food tray out.

 "Not excited to see me?" Panic coursed through me as I thought Nora saw through my pained smile. Nora giggles "I'm just kidding!"

 I dropped my smile and looked down at my plate. It was grilled cheese sandwich with jelly for dessert. Somehow this didn't appetise me. I had other thoughts racing through my head.

Other thoughts that would scare someone.

Those thoughts already scare me.

"Not feeling talkative today?" Nora asked, concern now etched onto her face.

 "Nothing like that" I assured and at that specific moment, I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to talk. Not anymore. Something clicked and my mouth moved on its own. Another smile forged.

 "Actually, I'm doing great today. Wonderful even, do you think you can get me a pencil, some paper and a pair of scissors. I have this sudden interest in drawing. You know? Like draw some pictures, cut them out and stick them. The wall's looking a bit bare and I'm really bored and..." I stopped, because I was laying it down too thick.

 Nora didn't notice, and a smile as big and bright as a rainbow was drawn on her face.

 "Of course! You're improving already. I'm not going to lie Ellie. Your mum hasn't visited in over 4 months, and I thought that would take a toll on you, but you're doing well. I'm so proud of you."

 Suddenly, I felt guilt pour from my heart. I didn't like lying, but I don't feel like I can live in a world where I wake up every day and feel useless and like a burden. The disease I had was new and it surprised doctors across the globe. After a few years of research, they all gave up on the disease and claimed it was rare and incurable.

They gave up on me.

What we did know, was it affects all my organs and it's slowly killing me. I won't live past 18, and I'm already 17.

It made me throw up constantly for hours, intense dizziness, have intense migraines and stomach aches, and for majority of my life I would wake up with my body aching.

I've had a variety of medicine prescribed for me, nothing has helped other than providing short term relief for the maximum of 30 mins and putting me to sleep so the pain alleviated, but I was still dying.