Black & White

Chapter six

I can see the sun rising and the sky becoming lighter. I don't feel like going to school, I caught a cold and I still feel all turned around. Getting out of my bed is one of my biggest struggles now, as much as eating with my normal appetite.

My best friend is going to have an extreme reaction after he learns that I ran away from school. Not to mention that the principal will confront me.

"Alexei... I would like to talk with you."

This is not a surprise, I expected it.

After a good half an hour of being told what I shouldn't do and my inappropriate behaviour, I am stressed out about going to my locker.

My best friend's shadow is stepping closer to me, as I look around me nervously. "What happened? Why did the principal come to see you?" He asks me full of concern.

"Nothing Émile, don't worry."

A random person from our grade is walking through the hallway, hearing our conversations. "Alexei ran away I suppose that's why", she is saying, not minding any of her business.

Émile is making a face that now concerns me. I am looking somewhere else to avoid his terrified eyes.

"We didn't know what to do, he got mad and ran away", the girl keeps on adding details.

She is becoming a chatterbox, and it doesn't make me happy at all. Behind her yapping, walking away seems to resolve the situation.

"Seriously, man? You don't want me to report but you ran away because of these jerks? Félix and his asshole of group?"

"Exactly. And I still don't want you to report."

Coldness begins to appear on his face. It doesn't take so much time before he talks back to the loud girl.

"What about all of you? You guys didn't have the guts to defend him or something? You all stayed silent instead to let Félix do his only role of being a dumbass?"

"We didn't know how to react!" She seems nervous.

"This is a stupid excuse.  Alexei did nothing wrong. You guys are supposed to help, not to wait and do nothing."

The girl is silent and it seems awkward now. I personally am not mad at them. Everything that is happening seems to affect him more than I do. As I always said, I do not need help, nor want it. One day, maybe, they'll stop and realize there is no valid point in doing all this, hurting people.

"Alexei, what are your thoughts about all this?"

"I don't really mind, Émile. Not everyone knows what to do with a situation like this."

"Are you kidding me? After everything this guy did to you?"

It doesn't take me much time before thinking and saying "yes." It makes my best friend mad, but I get why. He is coming closer to me, saying that I can't act as if nothing happened after running away from school. "It's from the past now. And let's not talk about it", my words are becoming firm.

"Yesterday doesn't count as the past, Alexei. I am against what those boys are doing to you, do you understand me? They hurt you!"

"I do, but Émile, take care of yourself first. Don't worry about me."

Upset, he is leaving me, heading to the bathroom without saying a word. He has too many worries to worry for me. Imposing supplementary weight on his shoulders would be too much.

The girl that I thought she left, is coming back to me, apologizing. Apologizing for not doing anything when I was being recorded and acting to defend me. I am not blaming her, she doesn't even know me much. She is just acting like the average teenager; not saying anything to buy peace and to please the person that has the most powerful influence from their environment. That way, she is not vulnerable to getting rejected.

Here we go, my friends are coming to me as well. All of them seem particularly preoccupied and fulfilled of guilt. "Hey, we are so sorry for everything that is happening to you. It's a shame that we are part of the people who didn't do anything to help you."

I reassure them that it's okay, not a big deal and that it's nothing. My little speech is working guessing by their now reassured faces. All of them are nodding and going to their lockers, as I go to mine, probably slowly forgetting about what they have been apologizing for.

While I am opening my locker that I struggled to unlock, a random card is being carried away by the momentum I gave.

Go back to your country

Okay, I didn't expect such nice words coming from a wish card, and it's not even my birthday yet.

The more I am moving my eyes, the more I see offensive words. They are all written in different calligraphies and I imagine that they are all from different people. Félix is definitely not the only one participating in this.

You made a mistake to immigrate here.

Leave Ukrainians alone, will you?

Why are you existing already?

The following messages look like this. I know that for my own good will I shouldn't be keeping on reading, but deep inside me I want to keep on discovering everything that is written down.

"I regret being your friend, this is such a shame to be with you."

"I don't want to be seen with Putinov anymore"

There are approximately twenty different messages in it and I am reading the last ones.

"Every single one of us is wishing you dead for peace."

"Go kill yourself."

This one hits differently. Should I kill myself? Will it make me feel better?

I am taking it, ripping it and throwing it in the garbage. I don't need this in my locker. What is the point of writing these things? To hurt me? What will it bring good in their life?

I don't know how many times I have to tell to each person that I am as horrified as them about this war. I don't think it matters how many times I tell them, they'll never think otherwise. I could scream it, shout it, yell it, but they will never. Those innocent Ukrainians, they must have an awful life right now. Awful. I feel so bad for them. I wish I could do something to help them, it's what I wish for the most right now. The victim out there is not me, but them. Oleksandr's family is living in pure souffrance. My best friend's family. He is in pain, so much so that I don't get any news from him anymore. I can't hear his screams, his cries, seeing him in his parents' arms, anything. He is too far away from me to hear these distresses.

I am walking to class and as usual, people are running when they see me, to hide or to avoid me. It hurts, but it has been one week and a half straight that it's this way. My old friends are also looking at me with hate, not wanting to know anything about me anymore, nor seeing me. They just know now that I am the Putinov of the school. They don't want to be seen with someone labeled like this and they feel no remorse for it.

These days are changing. I don't even have the strength to clean my room anymore. I feel so sad. Sad, empty, all the synonyms that could fit with these words. The only thing I can do is look at the roof with a straight face, wondering when it'll end. I hate this feeling so much, this feeling of when you want to stay strong, but you feel weak instead. Doing homework became my hardest duty and wearing concealer to not make my purple eye bags look too obvious at school became a thing to me. I am far away from a guy that wears makeup but if I have to hide something hideous with a liquid which matches my skin colour, it's the least I can do. It feels weird to look for it every morning in my mother's thousand makeup furniture.

My mother often told me that God makes the hardest battle for us to become stronger soldiers. I guess this is it, life is not always working the way we want it to be.