I got released from the hospital after two days, as the nurse told my family. My mom isn't leaving an eye from me since the attempt I failed in June. She does not let me go out of the house and never leaves me alone in it. That is not it; she is even sleeping in the same room as me. I made her sick, and she is now dealing with a fear of losing me, every day. The fear of losing me, just like she lost my future second little sister when I was six. Losing Lisa. She would not want to lose her Alexei, joining Lisa sleeping somewhere in the clouds.
Mom is also constantly mad at my father, assuming that I almost died because of him, the way he treated me. I don't know if I still forgive him, but I know one day I will.
About my sister, well she is becoming more sensitive as the days are counting. Her sensitivity made her spend more time with me, without having to talk sometimes. She just lays next to me, and staying there for hours, sometimes hugging me, sometimes not. I don't want you to die, she keeps repeating me. My dad is the same, but I know there is a subtle awkwardness in him. He tries, a lot.
Sometimes he comes to hug me, for no reasons, and leave with tears. Sometimes he gets in my room, just to sit and talk with me. Sometimes, he tries to spend time with me, making me get out of my bed. It's a lot of sometimes accumulated, so yes, he tries everything to have a father and son bond again, but that was far behind us.
My best friend is often coming to see me, and trying to distract me from all the things that happened lately. The hate account of me got banned because of him and Michael, who is supporting me. Mom agreed to make me change school, in fact, she wanted it. She is still upset that I got bullied there, and if she could, she would beat all the kids who were part of this.
Therapy didn't really work for me, and I personally didn't enjoy it. It didn't make me feel better in any way. My medication dose got higher, and my doctor is trying to find ways to help me. I'm not allowed to be left without supervision and I don't know when I'll get better, I don't know when I'll get to live life as I used to live it, I don't know when life will become normal again. I don't know any of this. What I feel might not be curable, but one day it'll might become less and less big, and I'll learn to feel great again.
Maybe, one day, I'll find a light of hope again. A light like Vicky was, but that will keep it's promises. One day, one day I'll find her.
And for those who are just like me, dealing with life being the same every single day and not being able to find life's colours around them, I am not usually optimist, but keep in mind that one day you are going to find your own light, or even many lights, turning into sun rays in your life. It takes time, but just know that it will happen. Don't lose hope.
-Alexei A, the narrator of the book
YOU ARE READING
Black & White
General Fiction"Russia today declared war on Ukraine." Guilt, anger and shame. Is being an immigrant in a western country immediately makes me evil because of what my native country did? Me, Alexei A, will have to prove that it's not. Welcome to my journey. Watc...
