Black & White

Chapter nineteen

It has now been ten days since I went to the doctor to take a blood test. Doctor Tessier called to let me know about the results, two days after.

It's positive. I really do have depression. This got to be one of the worst news I'v ever heard. Knowing it'll be a struggle to get out of this void that now has overtaken all my head is so heavy for my shoulders.

Doctor Tessier also prescribed me medication, which I take now. It makes me hungry all of the time, I guess it's to make myself gain some weight, and I always feel so sleepy really early, so much that I have to take naps before dinner. At least, it'll help me.

About therapy, I'm on the waiting list but I don't mind, because I am really not eagering to see one.

Despite depression, a subject that is not really pleasant to talk about, my relationship with Vicky is going quite good I guess, besides that she accused my mom of purposely food poisoning her. I did invite her over to my house some days ago to have dinner, and she got sick at night. My mom in fact doesn't like her as much as she did before, she told me. Apparently Vicky was a bit impolite toward my mom and she didn't have good manners.

Of course, I'll try to ignore this because I want my relationship to last with my girlfriend. We are now both pretending that nothing bad is happening and we are ignoring our parent's disapproval. I won't tell her about mine, or she'll probably get upset and I don't want this. This might be wrong, but Vicky is one of the only
the person that gives me a slight of hope in life and who makes me happy while I struggle to be.

"You seem like you eat a lot more than before dude!" my best friend is telling me happily.

"Yeah, I do. Which is nice because I won't end anorexic", I say, joking.

My friends are giggling and Émile is tapping my back. We are all eating together, which is pretty rare now, and it's great. I often feel like being alone, but company doesn't hurt. I might lose friends, but I still have some left.

Evidently, my classmates are laughing at me leaving the cafeteria, or calling me a communist, violent or whatever kind of insult. I try ignoring them, but I often see myself beating those kids. But I handle myself. Michael is still hanging out with his own bully, his friend and doesn't mind joining him doing mean things.

"How do you even manage to ignore them, Alexei? Do you even realize people didn't stop picking you for almost two months? It's problematic." One of my friends tells me.

"Look... I prefer being strong enough to go through this than getting called a snitch because I told the principal. Imagine how weak I would look."

"I mean..."

"No. It's not okay" Émile says. "You got to do something bro."

"Let's just talk about something else", I say, smiling sarcastically.

"I can't believe people think you are mean... Literally people from our grade told the new student to have distances from y
"Lucas, come on," Émile says.

"No, no actually I don't give a thing. They got to think what they want but I know inside of me that I don't have any bad intentions. I have way worse things to worry about I think." I say, with a sigh of frustration.

I am ending eating, so I stand up with my best friend. Something is falling, and I recognize it really fast.

It's my anti-depressant pills. I try to grab it before Émile does, but he doesn't let me.

"Émile, give it to me. Now!" I now try to snatch it from his hands. My friends are looking at us, intrigued.

"What's that?" He reads on my medicine capsule. I am taking it back but it's too late now.

"What the fuck?" He is almost shaking. "Since when do you have depression?"

"Émile shut up. I don't want people to hear."

"Oh, that's why you always seem so tired. Also, it explains why you seem to be underweight", he lowers his voice. "And also why you changed so much..."

I am standing in front of him and not saying anything because I don't know what to say.

"Why didn't you tell me? Huh? Why?" he starts having tears.

"Because I didn't want to!" I tell him, feeling irritated.

"So, you still expect me to stay silent after you get bullied so much that you get into depression? Yeah right, Alexei." He steps closer to me and starts to step out of the cafeteria.

"What are you doing?" I pull the back of his shirt.

"I'm telling the principal, I will show him these pills, Alexei. I don't want to stay silent like everybody else."

I take his arm, to stuck his head under my armpit, and take my medication capsule. "You, don't touch my stuff!"

He doesn't care, and he takes it again. I feel like fighting, but I can't. I don't have the heart to fight this guy. I take his wrist, snatching my medication capsule again from his hand.

"Okay, well you might not want to do it anymore if I do this...." I grab the object in my hand and throw it very hard in the trash.

"How dare you!" he yells at me. "You need these, Alexei!"

"You won't start digging in the trash I hope?" I tell him.

He looks at me, rolls up his sleeve and starts to do exactly what I doubted him of doing. "If it permits me to show the principal how much of a big deal the bullying toward you is going, then yes."

"Well you know what? Our friendship is done, Émile! You can't even stay loyal to me." I walk away, leaving him by myself.

"You, Alexei, are so selfish!" He screams at me. "You want to cut our friendship just because you don't want to have the reputation of a "snitch"?The fuck is wrong with you? All that matters to you is your reputation, is that it?"

I turn around, slowly, to look into his eyes. "You, you better shut up. I can no longer look at you, betrayer. Get out of my way." I push him slightly with my arm.

He keeps on digging in the trash can and my friends are looking at me leaving. I fear they will spread my mood disorder to people, because I would be so embarrassed. I don't know if they are one hundred percent trustable, but I now know my best friend just broke my trust to snitch around.

I spend the rest of lunch time walking outside, frustrated. I'm not sure I'm allowed to get out during lunch time, but It's the last of my worries right now. I just don't want to feel Emile around for the rest of the lunch. I just don't want to feel him around anymore, at all.

"What are you doing?" I recognize my French teacher, smocking. Yes, smoking. In the parking lot.

"I'm taking a walk. Am I allowed to, during lunch time?"

She sighs, inhaling her puffs of cigarette and looking at the skies. "Alexei, no, you are not. It's written in the school code for eighth grade. Are you able to read French or...? Oh right, you are still only speaking Russian? Pathetic..."

She's the pathetic one. I speak French fluently and she can't even see it. "I speak french fluently, and I can read French as well too. it's pretty obvious, miss."

"It's not so pretty obvious right now by looking at your catastrophic grades in my classes. Enough spoke with you, go inside, Alexei", she snaps her fingers and points to the front door of the school.

I walk past her and she looks at me with disgust, backing away when I'm within two meters of her.

I still think of what Emile is doing right now, and I think I'll turn crazy. I feel like breaking something, but I'm just wondering about my will in life right now. knowing that the principal and my parents for sure will get to know about what people are doing to me at school. I'll get that reputation of a snitch.