Black & White

Chapter twenty

I blocked Émile on every social media tonight, even Google Chat. I can't stand him after what he did, and I'll probably won't forgive him either. I'm in my bed, staring at the ceiling of my room and I don't feel the strength to stand up. It was very stupid of me to throw my pills in the trash can, but I thought it would be the only solution to make Émile not take it and report it to the principal.

I feel empty again, even twice as much as before, and even if I'm frustrated, I'm opening the iPod that my old best friend gave me.

I'm scrolling through the pictures and the videos, and I honestly miss those times so much. I think everyone does. We were innocent little kids, but now we are proceeding to be adults. That's how life works, unfortunately. I thought that looking at the pictures and videos would make me feel better, but no, not really.

Someone is knocking at the door and my mom is opening it. I recognize the voice, and it's Émile's. Of course, I'm not surprised he would come over to have a talk with me. I am resting my eyes, pretending to not hear anything. My dad sounds happy to see him, so my mom is. He's now knocking at my door, I don't respond and he does a second time.

I get annoyed, so I stand up, opening it. "Hey, Alexei..."
He seems sad, but I try to not feel any pity for him. I look at him, not even smiling a bit and slam the door in front of his face and get back to bed again.

"Alexei, I want to speak with you. Please?" He begs me to open the door.

"No! Get out!"

I hear aggressive footsteps, which are my dad's, and he comes to my room, standing up in front of me, closing the door.
"Slabaya zadnitsa, tebe luchshe pozvolit' yemu pogovorit' s toboy. Chto ty voobshche delayesh'? Ty seychas vedesh' sebya tak po-detski!"
"Weak ass, you better let him talk to you. What are you even doing? You're acting so childish!"

Since when does he talk to me? He isn't even supposed to mind my business since he said I'm not his son anymore.

"S kakikh eto por ty govorish' so mnoy, Andrey? Razve ne ty skazal, chto ya bol'she ne tvoy syn?"
"Since when are you talking to me, Andrei? Aren't you the one who said I'm not your son anymore?"

He laughs, but not because it's funny. "YA govoryu s toboy, chtoby razbudit' tebya, Aleksey! Ty takoy slabyy! Slabyy!!! Pochemu ty vdrug otkazyvayesh'sya razgovarivat' s Emilem? Chto on voobshche tebe sdelal?"
"I'm talking to you to wake you up, Alexei! You are so weak! Weak!!! Why are you suddenly refusing to talk to Emile? What did he even do to you?"

I stand up, and I stand up, being furious.
"Zachem mne govorit' tebe, a? Tebe vse ravno, papa. Vy ne zabotites'! S kakikh eto por ty uzhinayesh' s nami? S kakikh por ty voobshche provodish' vremya s nami? Proshel pochti mesyats! Tak chto ne dumayu, chto rasskazhu vam chto-to iz svoyey lichnoy zhizni."
"Why should I tell you, huh? You don't care, dad. You do not care! Since when do you have dinner with us? Since when do you even spend time with us? It's been almost a month! So I don't think I'm going to tell you anything from my personal life."
I am shouting.

"Znayete, na chto ya deystvitel'no nadeyus'? Chto vasha «depressiya» ne imeyet nichego obshchego s vashim povedeniyem. Depressiya — opravdaniye dlya takikh zhe lenivykh i slabykh lyudey, kak i vy! Eto chelovecheskaya bolezn', Aleksey. Tak chto nam ikh mozhno pozhalet'."
"Do you know what I really hope for? That your "depression" has nothing to do with your behavior. Depression is an excuse for lazy and weak people just like you! It's a human-made disease, Alexei. So we can feel sorry for them."
He yelps.

I hate pity, in fact, and I would love to not get diagnosed with this. I didn't think I could have this at my age, but apparently yes.

My mom opens the door, tired of hearing my dad yelling at me. "Andrey, idi otsyuda. Ostav'te Alekseya nemnogo v pokoye, ya mogu s nim pogovorit'!"
"Andrei, get out of here. Leave Alexei alone, I can talk to him!" She is trying to get him away from my room.