Black & White

Chapter twenty four

"... I thought you really loved me" is a sentence that got stuck in my head all night. I hate myself because I failed her. I wake up looking at the new scars I have on my arms and look at the ceiling, knowing that things probably won't get better.

My head feels heavy, so my body is. I feel so exhausted even if I didn't do anything.

Vicky didn't text me all night even if I sent her messages, she left me in seen. We are still together, she didn't say she wants to break up or anything.

I want to do something about it. To get out of my comfort zone, just to prove to her that I really love her, so I'm ready to sacrifice. I'm opening snap, and see her location.

She's at the mall. I know what to do.

I'm getting up, feeling nauseous. I pick random clothes in my wardrobe and take a mint gum. My mom is in the kitchen, cooking and she sees me.

"Are you going out again?" she asks.

"Yeah"

She frowns her eyebrows, crossing her arms.

"You are still seeing her, don't you?"

"Who are you talking about?" I definitely know who.

"Vicky."

It would be useless to lie about this, because she would find out anyway.

"Yeah, why?"

"You know I don't like her. She has bad manners, Alexei. Have higher standards."

"Please mom, don't start to choose who I am dating. I know you don't, but she's still my girlfriend. And her presence makes me feel good."

It's pretty rare that I talk back this way to my mom, but I get annoyed easily.

"You didn't seem happier yesterday when you came back."

"Mom... please."

Arguing is not going to fix anything. I think I'm old enough to chose who I'm with and I do not handle people judging my partner.

I get outside, leaving my mom cooking in the kitchen. My dad is mowing the lawn, and he raise his head to look at me.

Not looking at me, but staring at my eyes. He has his look of hatred. He isn't moving, either keeping on mowing the lawn. He's just staring. It looks like I can see how bad he hates me only with his eyes. I stare him back, walking away, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

Yeah, my dad has the same routine as the last three months. He sleeps in the guest room and avoid me every single day. That's not what a dad should do.

The bus is arriving, and I get in. I'm feeling stressed, and still empty. That emptiness in my body is never leaving me, no matter what day it is, if there is something positive happening in my life. It never leaves.

She's still at the mall, according to Snapchat. I really don't know how she'll react seeing me. But I'm ready to do what she wants me to do.

I'm going to buy her flowers, withe flowers. Her favourite chocolates as well, those strawberry and withe chocolate Lindts. And I'm going to tell her "Vicky, I'm going to make love with you."

I can't lose her.

That's it, I found everything. The bouquet I had in my mind, and the chocolates. It costed around forty dollars, it's okay.