Black & White

Chapter twenty eight

"God?"

"My child, I can't take you away."

I see a huge light, in front of me. But it's not a dream.

"Please kill me, God! Take me with you!" I run to go closer to him.

"Your family is waiting for you, Alexei."

"God, please... I don't want to be there anymore."

Then, nothing.

A hand is holding mine, and it's Jesus's hand.
"Alexei?"

"God?"
It was in illusion, in fact it's Andrei's.

Where am I? Wasn't I supposed to be dead? I am under withe covers, in a beige room.

"Dad?"

He is crying, taking me in his arms and shaking. I never saw him like this.

"Why would you do this, Alexei? Huh? You are my son! I never wanted you to be dead! You are my only son, Alexei. Why would you do this?"

He keeps on crying, feeling his heart beating hard.

"Because dad, I didn't want to live anymore."
I'm half awake.

My mom is surprisingly not there. I can't even imagine her reaction.

"Is this because of me?"
His face expresses an intense pain, sadness. It must be traumatic for him, to have seen me suspended. He is repeating, again.
"Is this because of me?"

I start crying, again. Really loudly. I feel ashamed to be this weak, but we are being weak together. Maybe sad would be a better word.

"Dad, why is love so painful? Why are girls so cruel? I don't want to face all this pain all my life, dad. I want to leave."

He keeps on crying, holding me.

"What do you mean?"

"She cheated on me, dad. I didn't do this only
because of you. There are so many things why I did this. She cheated on me with my friend. She was a girl that showed me a slight of light in my life, but it was all fake. I want to beat my friend so bad, dad. To make him feel physically what I feel mentally."
I take time to express all that, because I wrestle talking.

"Oh, son... May God helps you. I am so sorry. She wasn't the one, Alexei. And you have to accept this. There are so many people that cheats, and she is part of these. You will find a better girl someday, I know."

He holds my hand again, almost squeezing it.

"You'll have to be prepared for pain, you know. Life is cruel, it's like this. You'll have to overcome some battles all your life long. Especially in your adulthood. Please, promise me you won't do this again."

I don't want to promise it, but I'll have to.

"I failed you, Dad. I failed everyone. I didn't think you would have such a reaction." It's true, after all the things he told me, I didn't think of the aftermath.  "And I wanted her to be the one."

"Alexei, you didn't. You really thought seeing you hanging from the ceiling with consciousness lost wouldn't make make me react? You scared me!"

I see nurses walking in the hallways, young and old ones, in their light blue uniforms. I am now understanding right away; I'm in a hospital.

"I am so sorry, Dad", I whisper.

He is stroking my hair, which is something that he never does to me, and removing his glasses to wipe away his tears.