Cynthia Romani

5

Im starting to lose hope, I pray to you but you don't listen to me. Why do I feel like a piece of me is dying with her too. I thought you heard my pleas and for a moment I was happy.

God, I'm so angry, I hate you for doing this to me, to my mother and for all the pain she's in. Why her? Please please, I beg you let her live.

Ease my family's pain.

~Cynthia R.

I shut my journal and breathe in, wiping the tears that I can't seem to stop. I go outside and grab a baseball bat and head towards the garage. I looks at all the junk we have and begin smashing and throwing things around.

I'm breathing heavily and then just drop to my knees not being able to hold my sobs back. I hear the door to the garage open and then hear my dad calling me.

"Cara Mia?, I'm here. Cry it all out. It's okay." I hug him closer to me and just cry. "I can't live like this, she doesn't deserve to be in pain. She's my mom, I still need her. It's not fair!" My dad rubs my back trying to calm down.

"Cynthia baby, you need to breathe. Breathe Cynthia!" I'm choking on my sobs not being able to form proper inhales. "Dad.." he's trying to get me to breathe but I can't, what is this feeling. Oh god I'm going to die.

"Cynthia! Feel my heartbeat, just like that breathe... good Cara you're doing good." I listen to my dads heartbeat and just breathe.

"Cynthia, your mother isn't getting any better. We have to face reality Cara, I know it hurts baby. But you have me, I'll never leave you. Your mother is in pain Cynthia I don't want her suffering anymore, it hurts seeing her suffering baby."

My dad is crying in front of me for the first time. I hug him tightly as he cries in my arms. For the first time, the man I looked up to my whole life resembles a little kid who's scared. And it hurts hearing him cry in so much agony.

I'm staring at a reflection of myself. right now me and my dad are two people who are scared of losing the one person who keeps us sane. I'm staring at a different person, for once he drops the mask and lets me see how tired he is.

My father who always looks so put together all the time, has never looked so broken down emotionally. "You can't leave me either dad. Promise me, it's me and you forever." I'm desperate for his answer.

I feel like my five year old self who made my dad pinky promise to always come back home safe after I saw him shot. I wasn't stupid, I'm the princess in my dads mafia. It's a dangerous life.

You don't know when is your last day. when you'll be up all night worrying if your dad will come back home alive. Wether he's dead in ditch somewhere.

"I promise." He interlaced his pinky with mine and carried me in his arms back up to the house and into my room. My mom is currently sleeping after she took her meds.

Her hair is falling out and she had a whole breakdown that exhausted her. This morning was one of those days where she had so much energy all for her to come crashing back down.

My dad sits me down on my bed and turns on a movie. We laid down watching a movie I wasn't interested in and couldn't focus on. dad fell asleep half way through the movie and I was mindlessly scrolling through social media.

I don't know why but I searched Aleksandr up. I was stalking his account, it contained mostly pictures of him Dimitri and Nikolai who everyone knows is their best friend.

Some where of him with his electric guitar, not once did I see a picture with girls. He's known to be a ladies man I would have assumed he would flaunt them.

I exit his profile and click on Dimitri's. He had two pictures one of just Aleksandr with the goofiest smile that makes me laugh a little.

The other one is of them blowing out candles on their birthday. I wish I had a sibling at one point in my life, Dimitri talks so highly of Aleksandr I know he would do anything for him.

I look at my account, I have pictures of me and the girls during my partying days. Back when mom didn't have cancer. I looked at pictures of me genuinely happy. I lost that spark.

I sigh and exit the app and was about to put the phone down when an unknown message popped up.

Unknown: hey there red.

Me: ?

Unknown: oh yea it's me Aleksandr. Dimitri gave me your number.

Me: delete it.

Annoying dick: no. I'm bored. Good Always in a bad mood.

Me: blocking you.

Annoying dick: do that and I'll just find another way to contact you.

Me: what do you want?

Annoying dick: cut the attitude. Also my house on Friday to work on the project.

Me: fine now leave me alone.

Annoying dick: gladly.

I turn my phone off and decide to go to sleep. I love sleeping it fixes all my problems for a moment, why feel when you can just sleep.