Cynthia Romani

23

It's my mothers funeral and all I feel is numb. It's like my mind forgets she's gone, every morning I wake up and go to my parents room to see it empty and my heart breaks every time.

I miss her more than ever, and seeing all her things left untouched  fills me with utter sadness.

No one prepares you for the loss of a parent. I'm currently looking at myself in the mirror, my eye bags were dark and I just look really really sad. You can see it in my eyes.

I comb through my hair gently and then put on a little bit of concealer and then lip balm. I don't have the energy to get fully ready.

I'm still staring at myself in the mirror when a knock sounds out from behind me and then I turn and see the twins and Olivia.

When I see her I want to cry all over again, I pushed her away constantly ignored her calls and declined her whenever she showed up to my house. She smiled at me like nothing changed.I need my best friend today.

"I'm sorry Olivia, I'm sorry for treating you so bad." She shakes her head and hugs me tighter. "You're grieving Cynthia, don't apologize to me I understand." She's too kind for this world.

I look at the twins and then a throat cleared, Nikolai comes and stands next to Aleksandr. Oh my goodness, those three together look very intimidating.

I clear my throat and I wave at him. He smiles at me and then I look at Dimitri who's brows are furrowed. He nods at me and then continues to look at Olivia intently. Weird.

"Are you all ready, we have to greet guests Cara." My dad says from the door and I take in a deep breath Interacting with people is the last thing I want to do, is it too late to back out.

I look at Aleksandr and I stretch my hand out to him to which he immediately takes and we all walk downstairs. I'm anxious, sad, angry, overwhelmed. I'm looking at everyone here in my house mainly my mothers side. I see my grandparents, cousins, business men. And people I've never seen in my life.

I walk to my grandparents from my mothers side and want to just cry seeing my grandmother so sad.

"Oh Tesoro, come here." My grandma hugs me and I can't help but tear up, she lost her only daughter. "Cynthia how are you?" I shrug and give her a small smile. "I'm holding on."

After talking with her for a while, I go and greet other guests. Everyone is giving me a pity looks and I want to scream and go back to the comfort of my room. Wheres Aleksandr?

I searched the room for him and spot him talking with dad and his dad. Dimitri and Olivia are sitting in the couch together deep in conversation. I go greet Mr. Ivanov and Nikolai's dad.

After chitchatting I held onto Aleksandrs hand the whole time until we had to leave to the burial site where the priest was awaiting.
I exit my house seeing all the guest get into their cars and follow the car where my mothers casket is in.

I'm scared.

"I'm right here darling." Aleksandr whispers to me as he leads me to his car. Our group of friends follow us and the car is silent. My leg keeps bouncing up and down and suddenly my clothes feel tight on me.

When we arrived to the location Olivia takes my hand in hers and we walk uphill to the willow tree my mother wanted to be buried next to. She had her first date here, was asked to be my father's girlfriend here, was proposed here, and now she's going to be buried here.

I stand next to dad who has a blank face on, looking weak in front of others as the leader of Italian mafia is not a good look. My mothers casket is open and from where I'm standing I see her sage green dress and the tears I was holding back come running lose.

I'm scared, so so scared. The priest talked about god but I couldn't listen. I'm angry so angry. we prayed for my mothers soul and then people were able to go say their goodbyes to her I clutched my dads hand feeling like a little girl again. I'm so scared that the tears are unstoppable.

I'm shaking so bad and when I see my mother laying there I breakdown into a sob. that's not my mom. I don't think people realize how traumatizing it is seeing your loved one laying there lifeless.

I'm crying hard as I tell her how much I love her, my father has tears in his eyes and looks away as he pulls me to his chest letting me cry onto him. Before I knew it I watched them lower her down and my heart was shattered. She's completely gone, she left.

I stayed here long after everyone left. It was me my dad, the twins, Olivia and nikolai. "Cynthia it's late, we need to go." I nodded but did nothing to get up. I heard a sigh from behind me and I looked at my dad who looks so tormented and I instantly got up.

"I love you dad." He tears up and hugs me to him. "And I love you the most, forever my little girl. It hurts me seeing you in pain cara Mia."

With time I'll get better. But right now I don't feel like I will. I grab a tulip her favorites and leave them on her burial.

Wherever you are mommy, I love you may your soul rest after the constant pain you endured to that sick disease. Forever your little girl.

I wiped my tears and got up turning to look at my family. Olivia was wiping her tears and comes next to me. Grabbing another flower she puts it next to mine.

"Thank you for being a second mom to me grace. May you rest now. I'll look after Cynthia for you." I smile at her and lean my head on her shoulder.

I don't know what I'd do without my livvy. I want my mom.