The SelecTXTion

Chapter 16

"There is no place for anything in our past here."

soobin

written by: t

Soobin stood quietly by Amy's door, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing. His posture was straight. He looked up and down the long hallway every minute or so, scanning for potential danger.

It was dark in the hallway, the only light coming from the full moon outside. He could hear soft music coming from Amy's room. That night, she was playing some soft R&B music on a record player. Soobin would never admit it, but he enjoyed listening to the music she played every night. He had never heard such a wide variety of genres before. In Sonage, he only listened to his dad's vintage records. Amy seemed to listen to everything. One night she would be playing soft jazz, the other she'd play upbeat party music.

Soobin was thankful for this distraction from the boring responsibility of guarding a Selected's door. It kept his thoughts from swirling into an anxious pool, which he knew wouldn't be able to bring himself out of if they became too deep.

The clicking of heels interrupted the sound of the music. Soobin turned his head to the right, as did Lieutenant Rasmussen. Soobin saw Jessica approaching. She walked with confidence, maybe even returning from an encounter with Prince Yeonjun. Soobin began to feel the pit in his stomach grow just thinking about it. Snap out of it, he thought to himself.

Jessica walked past him without even giving him so much as a glance. He wished she did, but also knew it was for the safety of both of them that she didn't pay attention to him in the presence of others. 

The smell of her strong, sweet perfume almost sent Soobin to his knees. He could not understand why he had such a hard time getting over her. Yes, they had been childhood best friends turned lovers, but she had broken his heart over a year ago. There is no reason for you to feel anything for her anymore, he thought, attempting to comfort himself.

Soobin stared straight ahead as Jessica unlocked her bedroom door. Grow up Soobin. Men don't cry over such insignificant things like women. Soobin clenched his fists as his father's voice rang through his head. Soobin knew it was a mistake letting his father see him cry over Jessica that one time. He should have known his father would have ridiculed him for it.

Soobin looked down at the ground, overwhelmed with his thoughts. He noticed Amy's music had turned off. In his peripheral vision, he spotted a folded white napkin laying on the ground. He walked over to it and picked it up. Soobin unfolded the napkin, and was shocked when he saw the writing on the inside.

1 AM Library, Historical Fiction

He recognized the flowing script on the napkin in an instant. It belonged to Jessica. Soobin looked over at Lieutenant Rasmussen. He glanced over at Soobin once he sensed his gaze, and noticed the unfolded napkin in his hand.

"Whatcha got there?" he asked, craning his head to see what Soobin was holding.

"Oh, nothing. It's just trash, I'll throw it away when I'm done for the night."

Lieutenant Rasmussen nodded his head, too tired to even consider the object odd. He yawned and leaned against the wall, moving his uniform cap over his eyes. Soobin checked his watch, it was 11:30 P.M. He had thirty more minutes until he was off for the day. Luckily, he didn't have to stay for the early A.M. shift.

...... 

Soobin wandered through what seemed like thousands of bookshelves. Where the hell is historical fiction? he thought. Soobin had never been in the royal library before, and the shelves seemed like they went on forever. He held the crumpled napkin in his left hand, anxiously rubbing the thin paper back and forth between his fingers. He spotted a sign for historical fiction pointing toward the back of the library and let out a sigh of relief. 

In the back corner of the shelves, Soobin saw Jessica shifting through a novel. She wore black tennis shoes, black leggings, and what Soobin easily recognized as her favorite forest green sweatshirt. I'm not surprised that she packed that, he thought with a slight smile. Her blonde hair was messily tied into french pigtail braids, a hairstyle that she had frequently done ever since she learned how to as a child. He remembered pulling on her braids when they were kids to annoy her, which always resulted in her chasing him and tackling him to the ground. She looked up when she heard him approach. Her lips started to smile, but fell abruptly.

"Oh good, you're here. We need to talk." Soobin swallowed hard, trying to contain his nerves. He moved closer to her. "We both knew we were going to end up here at the palace, at the same time," Jessica said in her serious, mysterious voice that she used when she meant business. She had inherited it from her father, who Soobin had heard the same tone from many times before.

"Yes," Soobin replied, unsure of what else to reply to her statement. She looked up at him from her book.

"And I know you still have feelings for me," her green eyes expressed the same serious emotion as her voice. They hadn't changed a bit. He quickly looked away, embarrassed by the eye contact and obvious statement. "But, we are here strictly for business. You and I both know that." Her voice trailed at the end of her statement. Soobin thought her voice seemed...sad.

"Yes, I know," he replied.

"I'm now a Selected, and you are a guard," Jessica said, stabilizing her tone. She squinted at him. "The past doesn't mean anything here, nor... should it," she stumbled on the last words.

Deep down, Soobin knew she was right. They were nothing in Angeles. Jessica was now winning the love of a prince, and Soobin was just a guard. The past twenty-something years of their lives were irrelevant here. He looked down at his feet. He didn't want to believe it.

Jessica knew exactly what was going on in his head. She spoke again to get his attention.

"You have to get rid of whatever sort of feelings you have for me. Both of our lives are going to change. There is no place for anything in our past here," her voice cracked at the end, showing that she might also have the same regret, one that Soobin had held within him for a year. He held onto this statement tightly, hoping that she still felt something for him. Anything.

Soobin nodded. He felt tears come to his eyes, but blinked them away. He couldn't let himself suffer the embarrassment of crying in front of his ex-girlfriend.

"It has to be this way. And it's going to stay this way. You know what will happen if it doesn't," she breathed. With her statement, Jessica put her book back on the shelf. Soobin thought he heard her voice crack again, just the tiniest bit. "Stay focused," she whispered softly as she passed by him. 

Soobin stood there, stunned, as she left the library. Where did the Jessica I used to know go? Where was the kind and understanding Jessica? Why did our lives have to go this way?

He hurried back to his room, careful not to look too suspicious. The doors and windows he passed by blurred as his feelings became stronger. Soobin was feeling so many things at once, he didn't know how to react to his emotions. Why am I feeling relieved? Why do I want to scream? Why does my heart feel like it could beat out of my chest? Why am I so angry?

He closed the door to his room and let the tears fall. He had kept these feelings bottled up for so long, and they finally overtook him. Soobin sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands feeling tears drip into his palms. He wished he could run away from the Selection, the palace, Angeles, his past, and his emotions. He never wanted to return.

......