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𝐓𝐇𝐄 sky had a beautiful dark blue color at night, only the lights from the streets showing me where to go. I spend the day at Lando's and only now got home.
When I stepped out of the car, I took the notebook that was laying on the passenger seat. Lando asked me specifically to read it at home so I am. My house was dark but I didn't bother putting them on because I was going upstairs.
I changed into my sleepwear and brushed my teeth. After I cleaned my face and put my night cream on. My lights on the nightstands were both on and gave a warm glow in the room. It was bright enough to read and low enough not to get a headache. I got into my silk sheets and embraced the warmth.
The letter in the back of the notebook had multiple pages, and it made me nervous for what's inside of it. It took me a moment but I decided to open it.
Imogen,
I'm not good with words, especially with things that have happened in the past. You said you wanted to know more about me, so i'm letting you into my thoughts and feelings by a letter. I trust you enough for this, not only because you're a good friend but I feel more towards the good person you are.
But i'm scared of commitment and that's why it's scary to tell you this in person other than in a letter.
My feelings about this started with my karting career. Dad made me and my brother race and I loved it as did my brother. I stood out more after a couple of months and everyone saw it. Dad was my best friend growing up but it changed the moment I was getting good at karting. He didn't care about my school grades or if I wanted to hang out with friends. It was always about karting for him. Eventually I got sponsored and won some championships around the UK and Europe. I thought my dad would be proud but it made him want more. I didn't care about that, I just wanted to have fun and make my father proud.
Eventually I joined F3 and the Mclaren Young driver progamme. Dad wasn't proud, he just wanted my higher up. Mum didn't want interfine if I had a argument with my father at home. She just sat there silently, I know why she did it but why wouldn't she stick up for me? I won the 2017 FIA Formula 3 european championship with Carlin motorsport.
I then entered Formula 2 and now the pressure was on. My father wasn't nice anymore, just for the cameras. Even if I would win, he would yell and me for something he thought was a mistake. It was never right with him. I won some races in Formula 2 and drove some free practices at McLaren on the side. Dad still wasn't proud. Mul still didn't say anything about his attitude towards me. My siblings didn't get treated the way I did. It was unfair.
And then came my first year in Formula 1. I was so proud of myself for driving with the best after all these years. Dad was talking to the media how proud he was but he wasn't. He didn't want me living at home because his anger would be worse. So I moved out and got my current house in London. My performance changed drastically when his verbal abuse got more, so I put a stop to it. I called him out fore everything and told him to never speak to me again. And if he would that I would ruin his life forever.
He was silent for two years until sochi and got the media into it. I called him out publicly and it didn't sit right with him.
Last year in Monaco he came to visit me. I had just gotten from a dinner and when I walked back home, he just appeared out of nowhere. We got into a fight about everything, I even cried because of how angry I was. He started to push me... and my anger didn't take that well. So I pushed him back against a wall were almost no one would see. He threw the first punch. I couldn't take in anymore, so I just kept punching him and didn't know how long I was going on for.
I stopped after about thirty seconds. While he was on the floor and I started to walk away, he yelled. Telling me he wished I turned out better and that he wished he didn't have me as a son.
A day and a bruise later it was all over the internet. Telling me I was wrong and agressive. But they didn't know the mental abuse all these years and they still don't.
The reason I tell you this is because I trust you. After these months of knowing you, I've never been so sure of telling someone this. I know you won't judge me.
That kiss we had. It was a reassurance of trust. I'm still scared of trusting people but know that I try. These couple months together have told me that we have something that we need to figure out. That's why Monaco is the perfect place for us to see want we want from each other.
For now I still keep thinking of our kiss on the beach and the way you read to me, or our "always promise" the way you play with my curls. And I'm incredibly thankful for meeting you.
From Lando.
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Shorter one because I don't have the time to write more. I also start some exams next week so idk if I'll have much time then.
