𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐋 - 𝐁.𝐄

𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘 𝐒𝐈𝐗

chapter may contain mentions of self harm, mental health struggles!!!

-kaia's pov-

...

it's been two weeks since i kicked kiara out. billie said she'd set me up with one of the managers on her team.

she's been here with me through it all but.. i don't know. kiara was the last attachment to my childhood, my only source of love. now that she's gone—i feel lost.

"mama? baby, where you at?" billie calls through the apartment. we've finished tour and bil's birthday is in about 6 days.

i'm trying to lighten up before then because my baby deserves to be happy on her birthday especially after what she did for mine.

"in here, love!" i shout back weakly and she opens the door.

"hello beautiful, i got you some foods." she says in her goofy baby voice, holding up a bag of taco bell.

i haven't eaten in weeks. i just can't bring myself to do it.

she turns the light on and i wince, covering my eyes with my hoodie. the bed dips as she sits down, the smell of burritos filling my senses and immediately making me nauseous.

"mmm" i groan, pushing the bag away.

"kaia.." she says softly. "hmm?" i hum in response.

"baby, its been days.. you need food." she rubs her hand along my back.

"i can't do it.." my voice breaks as tears fill my eyes. i start to get frustrated with myself. i feel frustration, guilt, hurt, betrayal, sadness.

why can't i just.. be better?

i'm probably burdening billie.. she's gonna leave me. this is all my fault.

how could she do that? i'm alone..

she turned on me.. she forgot about me because she selfishly tried to get with my girlfriend.

i just wanna know why..

my heart pangs every time i think of it. of her.

"no no, mama, don't cry. you don't have to. i would just like for you to. i won't force you.. come here." billie shushes me, pulling me close into her lap.

i let the tears fall, my body racking with every sob. i don't even know why i'm crying right now.

"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.." i cry out. "for what, my love?" she asks in a comforting tone.

"i don't even know.. i'm so sorry i'm just so tired.." i choke out between sobs, my breath getting caught in my throat, heart hurting.

"you have nothing to be sorry for.. it's gonna be okay. i got you, alright?" she comforted, raking her fingers through my nappy curls. i haven't done my hair or.. anything, really, in days.

i'm so beyond tired of life i don't know how much longer i'll be here..

-

i woke up in billie's arms, small snores escaping her lips, black and green hair sprawled out against the soft pillows below her.

as i try to get up i feel billie stir under me, waking up in a panic.

"shh, i'm okay i was just going to the bathroom." i say, my voice weak and raspy.

"mhm.." she trails off, her eyes fluttering shut again.

i think it's about time i take a fucking shower.

i grab my towel and turn the water on, all the way on hot.

i step in, wincing as the hot water stings my arms.

could self harm scares potentially ruin my modeling career? possibly. but nothing a little makeup can't cover, no?

i haven't cut since 6th grade when i realized modeling was something i'd wanna get into. i started when i was 7.. y'know- after my dad.

i hate to let the struggles of my past overcome me again but i just–i don't know.

i let the warm embrace of the water take me in as i step into the shower, completely detaching from the world as i work through my shower.

when i get out, my skin is red and burning from the water but hey—i'm clean now.

i walk in the room and see billie now awake, on her phone.

she looks up and does a double take. "baby! oh my god, your skin! are you okay?" she rushes over to me, feeling how hot i am.

"i'm okay.. just took a hot shower." i mumble. i hate her for how much she cares. she gives me a reason to stay but i genuinely don't want to be here anymore.

"why so hot..?" she asks, holding my face.

"i don't know." i shrug her off. she runs her hands down my shoulders and onto my forearms. i wince as she runs her fingers over my now sensitive skin.

fuck.

i see her furrow her eyebrows, confused at the random rough texture. i guess it must've blistered or something.

she flips my arms over and i squeeze my eyes shut, scared she'll get upset and flip out on me.

"kaia.. you've been–hurting yourself?" she asks in a shaky voice and i stay quiet. i don't have the heart to answer her right now.

she runs her fingers over every individual red spot and i keep my eyes closed until i hear her sniff.

i open my eye slightly, peeking at her when i see her crying. but they don't seem like tears of sadness or sympathy.. they look like–almost like she's seen this, felt this before.

"billie, please don't cry.." i beg, my heart shattering with every tear that falls from her now darkened, broken ocean eyes.

"why wouldn't you s-say anything.." she stutters through her tears.

"baby, i couldn't possibly put that on you. you don't need to carry the weight of my problems.." i say, my voice small in an attempt to not cry although it seems inevitable at this point.

"i'm your girlfriend, kaia, and i love you. i need you to be safe at all times even if that means i never leave this house again to keep you happy, that's what i'll do. but i can't help you if you close yourself off. i need you to be okay.." she says, tears now staining her hoodie.

"i'm sorry.." i whisper. talking now hurts.

i feel small and helpless.

"are you mad at me..?" i choke out.

"no, baby, never. this isn't your fault.. you don't deserve this. i'm so sorry i let it happen.. i don't wanna lose you." she says and pulls me in, holding me with all her strength as if she needs me to survive.

i love this girl with my entire heart and soul.

i don't think i'll ever stop.. but i can't promise i won't leave her.

or everyone for that matter.

...

super depressing i'm so sorry but i had to write it out. small vent or whatever and i guess it was kinda fitting for what happened in 25. 27 will be much happier so be ready!! and i did promise a double update so you'll get 27 by the end of today.