20: A Big Dummy

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Rosé was acting strange the following day as well.

To be more precise, she didn't appear as dejected as she had the day before, nor did she look especially sad. But she was very stiff and seemed wary in a way that was difficult to describe.

Even though I was just sitting beside Rosé on the living room sofa, I felt like she was surrounded by an air of crackling tension. When I tried to so much as glance at her, she practically jumped, squeezing her favorite cushion tight. However, I could also tell by looking at the reflection in my smartphone screen that whenever I looked away from her, she stared directly at me.

I wondered why she was acting this way-and soon came to the conclusion that it must be because of what had happened the day before.

...She must still feel pretty awkward.

Yesterday, the two of us had embraced-and even though I had been doing it to console her, I was worried that it was going to cause problems for our relationship. Clinging to me may have been a momentary impulse, and there was a chance she regretted it now that she had come back to her senses.

Recently, we've had a lot of close, physical contact, but this was the first time she had pressed herself against me so boldly. It was inevitable that she would feel a little rattled afterward.

Though it doesn't seem like she hates me for it or anything.

If she did, I reasoned, she wouldn't be here, in my apartment, sitting next to me.

But whenever I reached out toward her, she pulled away from me.

"...Should I just give you some space?"

"N-no, that's not it."

I had figured it would be best to keep my distance for a while until she had calmed down, and had suggested as much, but Rosé hurriedly shook her head.

"Th-this is, well... I'm just ashamed because you saw me in such a pathetic state. I cried so hard..."

"Ah... I see..."

Apparently, she was embarrassed by all the tears. I recalled that after her sobs had subsided the other night, she chilled the area around her eyes with ice, so it wouldn't swell up. But nothing could change the fact that I had seen her in that vulnerable state, which seemed to really upset her.

"Well, it didn't really bother me, so-"

"But it bothers me. It was the biggest mistake of my life to let you see me like that."

"That's going a little far... Look, if you bottle all those things up, it's obvious that eventually you're going to explode, dummy."

It seemed like Rosé was about to put on one of her characteristic shows of courage, so I sighed, and before she could stop me, I reached out and pinched her cheek. Her skin was soft and supple between my fingers.

Rosé looked confused and nervous. She stared hard at me. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"If you don't let your feelings out, you're going to crack at some point. It's okay to let other people support you, really. If I'm acceptable, then you can depend on me. If you want to cry, I'll cover you up anytime and pretend I can't see you. You need to learn to let other people take care of you a little."

Yesterday, she had let some of what she had pent up come bursting out, but it seemed like there was a lot more where that came from. Criticizing Rosé for her reluctance, I pinched her cheek hard as admonishment.

If she was to say that I was unreliable and that she couldn't depend on me, I would resign myself to that assessment and accept my dismissal. But as long as that wasn't the case, I wanted her to rely on me more and give me a chance to take care of her sometimes. I wanted to be there for her, especially when she had nobody else.

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