STUNNED

Chapter THIRTY-THREE

Earth is vast enough to fit billions of people in it, but it's ironic how likely I can't go in. I know it doesn't work because I built a walls up high nor was it because they tried to kick me out. It was simply because of my incompatibility.

People might emphathize my distinctiveness, but they cannot crush the barrier that hinders the connection. Everyone will try to alleviate my loneliness but they, too, can't stay for long. But I thought maybe- it is my fault because I didn't try enough to brake my invisible wall. I mean, I tried everything even changing myself into someone I isn't. I was able to pass through, but was then casted away for bearing a fake identity. It makes me feel rejected, but also suffocated. And maybe it's my sole purpose- to be alone, different and lost.

I have been trying to pull myself together for the past days. I am basically scavenging for reasons to stay afloat, to stay "positive". Only beacause I am angry, but too mentally drained to be angry. I am disappointed but I am use to being disappointed. I am hurt and I am tired of being hurt. My mental health is like one step forward and two steps backward. It's just one thing after another, until it's all piled up.

Everything is a mess and everything is in chaos, my heart, my mind, my soul. They are all gone, missing, lost or perhaps still there but feels like don't. Seems like yesterday when the glimps of hope is finaly opening for me. When I finally decided to leave behind the old and ugly me to create the new Liv that I wish I was. It feels like yesterday when everything is just full of questions and wandering. Today, some has been cleared out, answered and they said, understood. But I don't care about it anymore, what I care is what I can't have right now.

It's been six months and I was still stock and unmoving. The nightmare's gone, Thana's finaly not controlling me anymore but the worst thing is- the guilt. This time I am not drugged at ang tunay kong kalaban dito ay ang sarili ko. Dati hindi ko magawang makatulog sa takot na bumalik ang mga bangungot na sumisindak sa akin, ngunit ngayon ayuko ng gumising.

Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mundo. Parang kahapon lang isa akong criminal, ngayung tunay na nakagawa ako ng kasalanan saka pa nila ako tinanggap. Hundreds of Thana's man that I killed and people calling it "JUSTICE". They've seen me bathed in blood but now they shouted my name like a saint.

"Imagine living in the land were all of bad things that happens to you started? I mean at a very young age you have live alone full of fear and regrets, holding into something unfamiliar to you in order to survive. And when you're finally healed you needed to go back to where it all started doing something you didn't want just because you are born with it and you just- can't get away with it and if you do, they labeled you as worthless or selfish. Kahit pa inililigtas mo lang naman yung sarili mo, kahit pa inuuna mo lang yung happiness mo kasi bihira lang talaga mapagbigyan."

You're right Noah, now I finally understand what you really meant about living in the place or in a situation people wanted you to be. They really called it happy ending or a mission accomplished, but no one bothers how I feel about it.

"Liv get up, you need to go outside." Waxton said at kahit pa nakatalikod ako sa kaniya alam kong nakasandal siya ngayun sa hamba ng aking kwarto gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa.

"I'm tired." Sabi ko nalang saka binalut pang mabuti ang sarili ng makapal na kumot. I heard him sighed.

"Liv come on, it's been six months and you barely eat, do you think Noah will be happy seeing you like this?" I clinched my fist hearing him say Noah's name.

"I'm sure he won't, but if you just let me save him that day maybe I wasn't be like this today." Malamig ko sabi na ikinabuntong hininga muli niya.

"Hindi rin naman namin ginusto ito Liv. Kagaya mo nasaktan din kami sa pagkawala niya." I smiled bitterly.