STUNNED

Chapter ONE

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

This chapter may contain: pessimism, depression, self-harming, schizophrenia, suicide, death.
Read at your own risk.

*****

Suicide is a silent murderer; it begins on the inside before deciding to take control of the hands, feet, and limbs. Suicide lurks in the shadows of our laughter and smiles. It is invisible to the naked eye. There are times when you can see someone every day and fail to notice the heart-pricking screams from within, the difficult medications to swallow, or the emotional noose around their neck. It is similar to drowning in a packed swimming pool when no one can see me. The worst suffering that humans can go through is that sense of helplessness. And I've spent almost my entire life there.

Whenever the truma kicks in- I become suicidal.

"Oli~via!!! Go Home Oliv~ia."

Inihampas ko ang aking ulo sa kaharap na salamin nang marinig kong muli ang bangungot na boses na iyon. He was here again, singing, humming my name. Napuno nang pulang likido ang aking kamay na nagmumula sa aking sugatang nuo. Dama ko ang hapdi ngunit mas naging panatag ang aking pakiramdam.

"Leave me alone," bulong ko sa aking sarili habang unti-unting dumadausdos mula sa pagkakasandal sa malamig na pader. Ipinahinga ko ang aking katawan sa sahig kahit pa nagkalat ang basag na salamin. Duon ay ipinikit ko ang aking mata at ninamnam ang hapdi dulot ng aking mga sugat.

Strangely, I find comfort in agony. I turn aggressive if my nightmares come out. To myself, not to anyone else. I know it's funny, but pain has become my medicine. What else can I do? I require it. It was keeping me alive. I was saved by pain.

"Isla," sambit ko nang lumapit sa akin ang aking aso. Labing anim na taon na ang nakalipas, ngunit mula nuon hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya ako iniwan. He was the only one who knows my story. Gaya ko, nasaksihan rin niya ang lahat.

"You're a one tough guy Isla, I'm happy you are strong and not weak as me," pakikipag-usap ko dito na patuloy sa pag ungot at pagkiskis ng mukha niya sa akin. Gamit ang naghihina kong mga daliri, hinagod ko ang kaniyang katawan at dinama ang malalagong balahibo nito.

"I'm fine, don't worry," ani ko pa saka hinayaang makatulog sa aking pwesto.

***

My position on the tile floor was the same when I woke up. Thankfully, the nightmares have passed, and I check the time on my bedside table; it is 8:02 AM. I take a deep breath and decide to get ready for my 8:30 Philosophy lesson. I pulled open my drawer and noticed the few items of clothing, all of which were black and gray in color. The most of them are oversized sweetshirts, hoodies, and jogging pants, the rest are my school uniforms.
 
Thankfully, the combination of gray and black suits my taste. A black coat tucked in and a gray long sleeve. The logo of my school was shown on the top left chest. A black skirt that was just above my knee, along with long gray socks and a crimson silk necktie.

Inihanda ko ang mga gamot para sa aking sugat at naupo sa loob ng bathtub upang linisin muna ang sarili.

Kasagsagan ng aking pagbibihis nang may kumatok sa pintuan. Suot ang aking school uniform at magulong buhok ay baliwala kong binuksan ang pinto. Bumungad sa akin ang lalaking may malawak na ngiti. Base sa kaniyang suot, delivery boy ito nang alin mang fast food chain. Tumahol si Isla kaya naman nilingon ko muna ito para pakalmahin.

"Stop it Isla!"

Umangil ito at ani mo'y binabaliwala ang aking pananaway.

"What?" tanong ko sa lalaki na unti-unting naglalaho ngayon ang mga ngiti. Nangungunot ang nuo niyang nakatingin sa nuo kong sariwa pa ang malalalim na sugat. Hindi ko pa kasi ito natatapos gamutin.