Falling in love with the bully * Awsten Knight

22)

I went home and cried. Is that sad? I don't know. I guess I'm so confused, and there is something at the back of my mind. It's a crazy thought, but...... here it goes ...... I think Awsten Constantine Knight might kind of sort of maybe have a tiny little bit of a crush on me. I know, I know! That's ridiculous, right? But there are so many unexplained things whirring around in my head that I can't stop thinking about.
I mean, why does he insist on walking me home all the time even though I can walk perfectly well by myself? Why did he help me out of the tree? Why did he carry me home? Why does he hate Kai so much? Why was he so interested when Kai and I broke up? Could he have put Geoff up to showing Kai that picture? Why is he so persistent about me going over his house? Why would he lie about me going over his house? Why would he care if anything happened to me? Why did Geoff say he goes looking for me? Is is he stalking me? Why did he want me to watch movies with him? And most of all: why did he touch my leg for?
Now do you understand? That is a lot of questions and I'm not even sure if I have included all of them. I wish I had a best friend, somebody who I could trust and go out with and we'd tell each other secrets. I wish I could be friends with all the little mix girls. That would be so cool: I know that is never going to happen. Maybe I could go on four with them, not to sing, just to be there, like, and then i wouldn't have to come to school and be bullied by Awsten and I wouldn't have to feel confused or out of place like I do here.
Today is a Friday. I get dressed and I style my hair then I go to school.
And I don't see him all day. None of them. Maybe he's trying to stay away from me to avoid awkwardness. I hope so. I don't want any awkwardness at all.
I felt quite happy because I had been dreading going to school just in case I saw him, and I haven't after all. Feeling proud of myself, I walk out from under the subway.
"Lilly!" I hear a shout. I recognise the deep, raspy, Texas voice without even turning my head. Awsten. I break into a run, knowing that i wouldn't get far but trying nevertheless. Soon I feel his arm wrap around my torso and pull me back. It didn't hurt. It wasn't rough like his movements usually are.
"Get off me!" I shout at him. He looks taken aback, and slightly hurt. He brings his hand away from me and just stands there. "What do you want? I have no time for you!"
"Please don't be like this, Lilly, I tried to explain yesterday but - "
"You explained nothing! You only took advantage of me whilst I was in your house! Just now this; I am never going back there - never!" I say angrily at him. Although I strongly dislike him I can't help but admit that he is extremely good looking. Anybody can see that. The way his bleached red hair shines in the sunlight, and around his carefully structured face. His blue greyish green, penetrating eyes seemed as though they could see right into your soul, and it was like they could control you to do anything he pleased. These were surrounded by thick dark eyebrows which actually seemed to compliment the coloured orbs. Whenever he had that classical smirk on his face, or he laughed, 2 dimples would appear - broad and unmissable. His teeth, so white and straight, not one out of place, were covered bye 2 pink lips which were just the right shape. And then his build: yes, lanky, but yet so fit. His biceps bulged through his tight  floral shirt, and he was so tall. I find it intimidating, patronising, even. His legs are so long, he wears skinny jeans all the time to show them off .... Ugh! What am I thinking?
"No Lilly! Oh god, please don't think I'm a pervert or anything I ... I just wasn't thinking. You were there, and for a moment I forgot that you hate me, and the moment was so peaceful and I did it! I am so sorry! I wasn't taking advantage of you, please don't think that, will you?" He asks desperately.
"I don't understand. Why me? Why did you want to touch me for? I thought you hated me," i point out. He sighs awkwardly and leans his forearm against the wall and puts his forehead on it. He seems stressed.
"When I'm around you ... I can't control myself. I couldn't help myself last night, I'm sorry"
"What do you mean, 'you lose control of yourself'?" I snap.
"Because... because I'm," he pauses and draws in a big breath, then he turns towards me and stares right into my eyes, "because I'm in love with you, Lilly"
"W -what?" I ask in disbelief. Suddenly I feel my legs go weak. I feel like I am about to collapse onto the ground. This couldn't be happening. Was this a dream?
"I'm sorry, I feel really bad for you, Lilly, honestly I do," he says. He seems quite upset.
"W - why me?" I squeak.
"I don't know. You're special, I guess. I've loved you ever since I've known you"
"I'm sorry, Awsten, but I can't love you back. Sorry," I say, and I start to walk home, leaving him alone.
It was a job to get home. O don't know how I managed it. I feel so weak. When I do get home, I go straight up into my bedroom. And then I can't help myself. I collapse not my bed and cry. It's shock mainly.
Why does he have to be in poverty with me for? He can have anybody he wants - anybody. But no. It has to be me. And yet he makes my life a misery. It's so frustrating!
After a good 10 minutes of crying I force myself to get out of bed and get dressed.
I bring maple in from the field and once again she's absolutely stinking. I  let out a sigh, and bring her into her stable to give her a good groom. It's a good thing I like brushing her. When I'm done, I get her tacked up.
I lead maple to the ménage and mount up. I find my sister, Emma, is there schooling her horse, Moonacre.
I give her a little wave then set off on a trot around the arena for a warm up. I keep maple on the forehand to keep her concentrating, and I keep my leg on all the way around. I do a couple of 20 metre circles, and I change the twin a couple of times by going down the centre line. I go over the trotting piles, and I do a figure of eight and a serpentine.
Then I take her up to a canter, and do all the moves again. O keep her on a long rein to make the movements more fluid, and sit up tall in the saddle. I do a half pass down the centre line, and a pirouette, followed by a couple of shoulder - ins. Then I begin some basic training to teach her how to do a piaffe - a move she doesn't yet know.
I call it quits after 45 minutes. I can tell maple loved the session. I take her back to her stable and give her a quick brush to groom her down, then I throw a rug on her and give her a feed.
Then I go inside and start to think about Awsten Knight all over again. Why can't I get him out of my mind. He isn't that special. Is he?