Love Never Existed - Hyunsung

[52]

Have you ever been in a situation where you blurted out something you regretted the very moment the words left your lips?

Having that intrusive thought in your mind that pushes you to do or say that you were joking?

Isn't that fine line of going back and calling it quits to get out of trouble always tempting?

Well, I felt this way the moment I said that Su-jin was not my son.

After saying that harsh sentence, Jisung kept eye contact with me for a couple of minutes, which seemed like hours.

There was no reaction whatsoever at first.

The information didn't hit him immediately. It was like he wasn't listening, or something was blocking him.

I couldn't tell.

"Su-jin...is not your- wait..."

Jisung snapped out of his trance. He blinked three times in a row, trying to get himself out of that frozen state he fell into.

"I think I- I didn't catch that...?? Would you mind saying that again?"

This first reaction was very calm compared to what I was expecting.

Maybe because I said it without context and that information could be interpreted in a thousand ways.

In fact, I left the idea so open that the information could be interpreted as if Su-jin was adopted, or he was 'my wife's son', no?

Now that I think about it, there could be many reasonable reasons, except that Su-jin is his son and also the son of my cousin Jinsu, the one who is the wife he lost as well. Oh, and on top of that, she is my cousin.

Fuck!!!! How am I supposed to explain all this puzzle???!!!!

Of course, Jisung wouldn't be connecting the dots in that way, what reaction was I even expecting?

The fear I felt at that moment made me think for a fraction of a second about saying I was joking and continuing with our casual hangout since explaining all of this would be quite a challenge.

This was my chance to go back to how we were five minutes ago and continue living with his presence by my side.

But there was something inside me that was refraining me.

If I do that... wouldn't I be turning into the bad guy? Wouldn't I be the bad guy in my own story? Wouldn't I be betraying Jinsu and Su-jin? And above all, wouldn't I be betraying Jisung and the love I feel for him?

Yeah, I would be doing that, and I just couldn't see myself doing that.

I am a pretty good person with just some bad luck. But that's all.

I just want to see the one I love happy. Even if what I am going to tell him will unimaginably shatter his heart.

"Hyunjin?"

Jisung waved his hand in front of me, bringing me back on track. Now, I was the one spacing out.

I needed to make myself repeat once again, but now a lump had formed in my throat. My lips were quivering.

"Hyunjin," he said again, "what did you say about Su-jin?"

I gathered all the courage I could once again and finally uttered, "I said... Su-jin is not my son..."

With each passing second Jisung's face began reflecting a complicated expression. The information I told him was finally hitting him. "How...I mean...why- wait that- how come?"