My Unfortunate Fate

chapter 95

To know is not to be warned—merely told.

When Anakin left for his meeting, I noticed that Caleb sent a message to my comm. He said he wanted to meet me in a private training room at midday, so I went, and now I await his arrival.

Usually, I am late to our training sessions—hardly, if ever, at my fault—but this time, he is late. I have no right to be mad at Caleb. If anything, he should be mad at me for abandoning him.

The heavy door slides open. I observe my padawan approaching, just like he has when I come late. I stand and walk toward him simultaneously until we come to a stop, a reasonable distance apart. I wait for a moment, in case he has something to say. He stays mute, waiting for me.

"Caleb," I start. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I know this is a lot to take in."

My padawan shakes his head, eyes closed, mimicking exasperation or disbelief. "Master, that's not the issue. You would leave anyway, but why? You don't have to go."

After years of secrecy, it isn't easy to choose between telling Caleb everything and keeping it to myself. The truth is, he doesn't know as much about me as he thinks. I regret to inform him of this now that I've chosen to leave because I fear he'll never see me the same way again.

"Caleb...I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. You deserve a master who will stay, but I can't be that master anymore." I stare into his hopeful aquamarine eyes and say, "I'm pregnant. It's getting harder to hide, and as soon as the Council finds out, I'll be expelled. My sympathy is endless, truly; you aren't ready to see me go, but I simply cannot stay."

Caleb, mute, begins to sink: his shoulders ease and he slowly makes his way to the floor. At last, he sits and stares at the ground in contemplation. "That's why you and Master Anakin are leaving together," he whispers.

"That's right," I respond, kneeling.

"How come you aren't allowed to have a family?"

"It constitutes attachment—" I sit cross-legged before my apprentice "—and that's against the Jedi Code."

"But what's so wrong with attachment? If the Council didn't want us to get attached, they wouldn't assign padawans to the same master for years."

"That's true. If I'm being honest, Caleb, I don't understand the rule either. Jedi wield great power, and the Council doesn't want us to use it to protect our attachments, and yet we're supposed to protect everyone. No matter how contradictory it is, they won't amend the rule. Which is why I must leave."

I probably shouldn't encourage Caleb to think this way, but I wish I had learned to question the Order when I was younger. I might have realized that I don't belong among cold, unloving peacekeepers. I might have learned to express my feelings honestly instead of banishing them to the deepest depths of my mind. I might have learned how to love before getting married. Thankfully, I've found someone patient and understanding, who helps me, guides me, and makes me feel worthy of love.

"Caleb?"

When I look at him, I see a young boy trying to find his place in the world. He does not know everything, far from it, but he wants to learn. I wish I could teach him about reality—the reality non-Jedi live in every day. I hope he'll live to see a peaceful galaxy. I want him to find his place, whether it's within the Order or not.

"Yes, Master?"

I won't tell him that he can't call me that anymore. The wound is still raw, and it will heal without my help. If he is to live a decent life, it must.

"You have a family. You have me, Anakin, Rex, and the rest of the 501st. Ahsoka, too. She may be gone, but she still cares about you. So do I. I won't be on Coruscant anymore, but I'll do my best to contact you. You can call whenever you like."