the way i loved you.

chapter thirty four - cornelia street

"that's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend."
- taylor swift

I sat in the living room, feeling a weight on my shoulders. Jackson, absorbed in his work, glanced up and noticed my somber expression. "Hey, is everything okay?" he asked, concern furrowing his brow.

I hesitated for a moment, contemplating whether to share my feelings. "No, not really. I've been feeling a bit down lately."

Jackson sighed, pushing his work aside. "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?"

Before I could elaborate, Jackson's phone buzzed urgently. He glanced at the screen and frowned. "I'm really sorry, Astoria, but I've got to go. There's an emergency at work, and I can't delay it."

I nodded, trying to hide my disappointment. "It's okay, Jackson. Go handle what you need to. We can talk later."

As he rushed out, I couldn't shake the sense that my concerns were taking a back seat to his work. Left alone, I pondered how to navigate this moment of emotional vulnerability in my relationship with Jackson.

I, feeling a heavy weight on my chest, decided to reach out to Jason. I phoned him and, after a brief exchange, we agreed to meet at our cherished spot by the lake.

As I approached, I noticed Jason waiting patiently by the shore. The familiar sight brought a mix of comfort and uncertainty. We greeted each other, and I hesitated before opening up about my recent struggles.

"I don't know, Jason. Everything with Jackson is just so... different. I feel like I've lost something, and I can't put my finger on it," I confessed, my voice reflecting the turmoil within.

Jason listened attentively, the lines of concern etched on his face. The lake mirrored the complexity of our emotions as I continued to share my feelings of neglect and confusion.

"I miss us, Astoria. I miss the connection we had," Jason admitted, his gaze searching mine.

The breeze ruffled my hair as I looked at Jason, conflicted emotions playing across my face. Jason, too, seemed to be wrestling with his thoughts.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Astoria," he began, his eyes reflecting regret. "Leaving was my way of trying to spare you from my chaos."

I sighed, a mix of frustration and sadness. "But, Jason, your chaos felt like my home. With Jackson, everything is so stable, and it's good, but it's not the same."

Jason nodded, understanding the weight of my words. "I thought leaving would be for the best, for both of us. Maybe I was wrong."

As we stood by the lake, a wave of familiarity enveloped us, memories of laughter, shared secrets, and stolen kisses flooding our minds. The unresolved tension hung in the air as I pondered the complexities of my emotions.

"I don't know what to do, Jason," I confessed, my voice wavering. "I don't want to hurt Jackson, but I can't shake this feeling that something's missing."

Jason reached out, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "Astoria, it's okay to feel confused. Relationships are messy, and sometimes, you need to figure things out for yourself."

Our eyes locked, and for a moment, it felt like time had stood still. The lake mirrored the uncertainties in our hearts, and I grappled with the realization that finding her way forward might require revisiting the past.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting hues of orange and pink across the water, Jason and I continued our conversation, navigating the complexities of love, loss, and the longing for what once was.

Amid the fading sunlight, Jason took a deep breath, his gaze fixed on my eyes. "Astoria, I won't pretend like everything is simple. We both made choices, and we have to live with them. But if you're feeling lost, it's important to figure out what you truly want."

I sighed, a mixture of frustration and longing. "I want to be fair to Jackson. He's been nothing but kind to me, and he deserves honesty. But I also can't ignore the fact that a part of me still craves the intensity we had, Jason."

He nodded understandingly, his hand squeezing her shoulder gently. "Astoria, I won't push you into anything. Take the time you need to sort through your feelings. Just be honest with yourself and those around you."

A thoughtful silence lingered between us, the lake's gentle ripples reflecting the uncertainty in our hearts. I took a moment before responding, "I appreciate that, Jason. It's just challenging to reconcile what's stable with what's exhilarating."

Jason's expression softened, and he spoke with a hint of vulnerability. "I miss you, Astoria. But whatever you decide, I want you to be happy."

My eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I miss you too, Jason. And I appreciate your understanding. It's a lot to process."

As the night enveloped us, we continued talking by the lake, two souls navigating the complexities of the past. The unresolved tension hung in the air, leaving us both grappling with the ghosts of our shared past and the uncertain path that lay ahead.

I leaned back against the kitchen counter, sipping my tea, and gazed at Melanie. "Mel, do you prefer chaos or calm in a relationship?"

Melanie pondered the question for a moment before answering, "Well, it depends. Chaos can be exciting, but it's not sustainable. Calm is comforting, but it might lack the spark. What's on your mind?"

I sighed, my thoughts a swirling tempest. "I don't know, Mel. Jackson is sweet, and everything is stable, but sometimes I miss the chaos I had with Jason. It was like this unpredictable storm that kept me on my toes."

Melanie raised an eyebrow, studying me. "Astoria, do you regret being with Jackson?"

I shook my head, "No, not at all. He's wonderful. It's just... different. Jason brought this intensity, like we were playing with fire. Jackson is more like a gentle flame."

Melanie smiled knowingly, "You've had your fair share of storms, Astoria. Maybe what you need now is a steady breeze. It's okay to appreciate both, but you have to decide which one you want in the long run."

I nodded, a mix of uncertainty and determination in my eyes. The choices I faced weren't easy, and the echoes of my past with Jason lingered. I took a deep breath, silently contemplating the kind of love I truly desired and whether I could find it in the calm warmth of Jackson or if the allure of the storm would call me back to Jason.