the way i loved you.

chapter thirty five - the way i loved you

"so in love that you act insane."
- taylor swift

I sat in the backyard, raindrops falling on me like a gentle symphony. The cool droplets mingled with the tears on my cheeks. The door creaked open, and Jason stepped out, concern etched across his face.

"You'll catch a cold out here," he said, his voice soft.

I looked up, raindrops clinging to my lashes, and managed a small smile. "Maybe I want to catch one."

Jason sighed, sitting beside her, his clothes quickly dampening. "Astoria, you can't solve everything by sitting in the rain."

"I know," I replied, my tone heavy with unspoken emotions.

He gently took my hand. "Talk to me. What's on your mind?"

I hesitated, then spoke, "I'm torn, Jason. Between the calm and the storm. Between you and Jackson."

Jason nodded, his eyes searching mine. "I get it. I do. But you can't keep running out into the rain every time things get tough."

The air was charged with unspoken words, heavy with the weight of unresolved emotions.

My voice broke through the sound of raindrops, "Jason, everything is so complicated."

He clenched his jaw, rainwater streaming down his face. "I'm not asking you to forget everything. I just want a chance."

I shook her head, frustration evident in my eyes. "You left, Jason. You left me, and I had to pick up the pieces."

"I know, and I'm sorry," he replied, his words competing with the rain. "But I'm back now. Can't we try to make things right?"

My expression softened, but determination lingered. "I've changed, Jason. I've moved on. I'm with someone else now."

His gaze faltered, pain crossing his face. "Is it him, then? Is he the reason you won't give us another shot?"

I stood up, rain-soaked hair clinging to my face. "It's not just about him. It's about me, about finding a love that doesn't come with chaos."

Jason ran a hand through his wet hair, frustration evident. "I can be different, Astoria. Just give me a chance to show you."

I looked at him, torn between the memories we shared and the uncertainty of the future. "I can't, Jason. I need something stable, something calm."

The rain continued to fall, a silent witness to the storm of emotions that raged within us. Jason reached out, a desperate attempt to bridge the distance, but I stepped further away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, the words lost in the rhythm of the rain.

Jason's frustration intensified, his voice rising above the sound of the rain. "You can't just shut me out, Astoria! I came back because I love you, and I'm willing to fight for us."

I met his gaze, my eyes reflecting a mixture of pain and determination. "Love isn't enough, Jason. I can't forget the hurt and uncertainty you left me with. It's not fair for either of us to pretend everything can be fixed."

He clenched his fists, raindrops mingling with the intensity of his emotions. "You're telling me you don't feel anything? That everything we had means nothing to you now?"

I sighed, my shoulders slumping under the weight of the confrontation. "It's not about feeling nothing. It's about recognizing that we both need different things now. I found stability, and I can't risk that for a tumultuous past."

Jason's frustration turned into a desperate plea. "Give me a chance to prove I can be what you need, Astoria. We can build something better, something stronger."

I shook my head, raindrops rolling down my cheeks. "Jason, I can't keep living in the past. We both deserve a chance at happiness, even if it's without each other."

The air hung heavy with unspoken words, and for a moment, the only sound was the persistent rain. Jason's gaze dropped, defeat evident in his posture. I took a deep breath, my resolve unwavering.

Jason took a step towards me and i didn't back away this time. He placed a soft hand on my cheek.

Jason's touch on my cheek was gentle yet filled with an intensity that echoed our shared history. Raindrops continued to cascade around us as he tilted my face to meet his gaze. His eyes, a tumultuous mix of longing and regret, searched mine for a sign, a connection that could bridge the emotional gap that had grown between us.

"I can't let you go without trying," he murmured, his voice a raw whisper against the backdrop of rain.

My heart wavered at the sincerity in his words, my resolve momentarily faltering. The touch of his hand, a familiar warmth, invoked memories of shared laughter and stolen kisses. Yet, I knew that revisiting the past might not be the solution to the complex emotions they faced.

"Jason, it's not that simple," I responded, my voice soft but resolute. "We both need to figure out who we are now, without holding onto what used to be."

His hand lingered for a moment longer before dropping to his side. The rain intensified, mirroring the emotional turmoil that surrounded us. I watched as Jason took a step back, his eyes holding a mixture of acceptance and heartache.

"Whatever happens, Astoria, just know that I meant every word," he said, the sincerity in his gaze unwavering.

As Jason retreated into the night, I stood alone in the rain, the echoes of our shared history mingling with the pitter-patter of raindrops, each one marking the passage of a moment that could never be recaptured.

I stood in the doorway of Jackson's home office, watching as he immersed himself in a sea of work-related documents. The air in the room felt heavy with the weight of her unspoken feelings, and I hesitated before deciding to approach him.

"Jackson," I began cautiously, "can we talk for a moment?"

He sighed, not looking up from his work. "I'm really swamped right now, Astoria. Can it wait?"

I bit my lip, the turmoil within me growing. "It's just... I've been feeling a bit lost lately, and I thought we could talk about it."

Jackson glanced up briefly, offering a half-hearted smile. "I understand, Astoria, but work is piling up. Can we discuss this later?"

I felt a pang of disappointment but nodded, realizing that pushing the conversation might not yield the results I hoped for. "Sure, later then."

As I left his house, uncertainty lingered in the air. The distance I felt from Jackson seemed to widen, leaving me alone with the complexities of my emotions.