Fighter

Ch. 51

"Your pregnant. We're going to have a baby." His voice is heavy with feeling. I'm stunned even though I knew there was a strong possibility I was pregnant, hearing it confirmed is shocking. I can feel denial set in.

"Wait, it could be wrong....."

"It says right here, 'There are only false negatives not false positives.' Do you want to take the second one?" He asks, holding up the second test.

"No." I say, breathless.

"What are we going to do? We have a lot to talk about. When your ready." He says, pulling me away from the door he sits me down on the toilet. "Don't panic Kitten will get through this and it will be great. We have a family now."

I hear what he's saying but nothing seems to be registering he must notice this because he cups my face lifting it to his. I see the love in his eyes and something more. For the first time since I've know Maddox he looks peaceful and happy like a weight has been lifted off of him. How can he possibly feel this way? This is something to have a momentary panic over but all I see is his joy.

"How can this make you so happy? Your not even a little frightened?" I ask confused.

"It's not ideal no. But I am beyond happy. I feel whole, like this will complete me in a way. I don't really know how to describe it. I want this. I'm not frighted because I will do and give my all to this child and to you. I know I will be a good father and husband because I have you and my love for you."

"Husband." I say, my mouth hanging open.

"Of course husband. When you ready." He assures me.

"I want to wait until after the doctor appointment, the blood test to tell my family....Well, everyone but J.J."

"Speaking of which do you think you can stand? I'm sure they're going crazy out in the living room."

I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands and groan. Poor Tyler I don't want to hurt him, I love him. I don't think I can look at him and tell him that I'm pregnant with Maddox's baby and I'm staying with him. He's going to hate me, I can't have him hate me. I need him in my life, he really is my best friend. I can feel the tears starting to run down my face and I feel gut wrenching guilt and pain for what I know I have to do. I stand quickly and lift the toilet seat throwing up my dinner. Maddox tries to catch my hair as it falls forward.

"This is going to hurt." I say weakly.

"Do you love him more then me?" Maddox asks and I hear the strain in his voice.

"No, but I love him, it's still going to hurt."

There's a knock on the door and Maddox tells them to come in. I see both J.J. and Tyler standing at the doorway anxiety written on both their faces. I can't do it. I can't say it. I start wrenching again and when the dry heaves stop and my face is sweaty I collapse, sitting on the cold tile floor. Maddox hands me a cup of water and I take a sip, then rest the cool glass against my face. What am I going to do?

I feel Maddox pick me up but I don't open my eyes. I don't want to see the face that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. When I think this I start crying uncontrollably. I hear Maddox make soothing noises and rubs my back but it doesn't help. I feel helpless and completely weak at the thought of Tyler. How do we move on from here? Can he really ever want just friendship. I know how Maddox will feel on that score. Who's going to help Tyler if I'm not there? How devastated is he feeling right now?

I do what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I looked up and over to the opposite couch. Tyler is sitting hunched over his shoulders defeated and his face covered by his hands. My heart breaks and my gut twists. I close my eyes hoping that one day I'll be able to see the Tyler that was my best friend. All I see now is someone that lost something important and is crushed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I sob over and over again.

I don't know how much time passes before I feel Maddox stand up again with me in his arms and walks to the bedroom laying me down gently and bringing the covers up to my chin. He kisses my forehead.

"I'll be right back, kitten." He says, but I don't reply I don't even open my eyes. I don't think I'll ever recover the piece of my heart that Tyler holds. I wish I could go back and never ask him why he didn't tell Maddox we were just friends. I wish I would have never known how badly I could hurt him.

I curl up into a ball my tears silently fall down my face and I don't do anything to stop them. I deserve this, I am and will always be exactly what my parents made me feel I was. Not worthy to love, not good enough to know.

I hear the door open and I close my eyes tightly holding back a sob. All I want to do is scream in pain. The loss of Tyler is crippling the thought closes my throat causing my harsh breathing.

"Kitten, you have to calm down your going to make yourself sick again." Maddox says, gently.

"I-can't-stop." I say, sobbing.

"You have to think of the baby. This can't be good. Well take it one day at a time. Stop thinking about it and relax."

"It's-not-the-baby....it's him." I yell, my heart breaking even more. Saying it out loud hurts beyond words and then I hear Maddox ask, "Him?"

"Tyler." saying his name doesn't help, he's gone I know it.

"Do you want to call him? He just left." Maddox asks seriously.

"No....I lost him." I cry. "I lost him, forever.

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I don't know when I stop crying but I can feel Maddox's arms around me and his shallow breathing. I look at the clock 3:30 in the morning. I slip out of Maddox's arms without waking him and grab my phone. I walk out of the bedroom and make my way to the living room. My hands shake as I think about calling Tyler. What if he doesn't answer? Then again what if he does answer? What will I say? What will he say?

I sit on the couch pulling my legs up under my chin. What should I do. I think about it for a while, when I see the sun come up I come to a conclusion. I'll leave it up to him, Tyler can decide where we go from here. Oh, God I miss him. He'd know what to say, he'd make me laugh and smile.

I hear a door slam and Maddox running. What the hell? I stand up as Maddox runs past.

"What's wrong? What happened?" I ask, completely freaked out.

"Fuck Hadley!" He yells, looking to the ceiling. "I thought you left me, for Tyler." He answers.

"Huh? You had a bad dream?" I ask, confused.

"No, when I woke up and you were gone. I thought you left.... That you chose Tyler." He explains, relieved.

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