Get Through the Night (ACATN Book 2)

Chapter 33

Chapter 33
"Need"

Marahan siyang nagpatangay sa mahinag pagtulak ko. I distanced myself. Pinakiramdaman ko ang puso ko. Tumitibok ito pero may kasamang sakit. Parang pinipiga.

I smiled bitterly, watching his gentle eyes trying to reach me-trying to give me a glimpse of what's hidden behind it.

"Hindi naman ako humihingi ng sorry para doon, eh," I said softly.

Ikinakunot iyon ng noo niya. It even made his jaw clenched. Dumaan ang galit sa mga mata niya.

"Kasi, uulitin ko pa rin. I'd lie if I say that never regret letting you go... But I will still stand by my decision." I swallowed the invisible lump in my dry throat. Bakit kaya may pisikal na sakit magpigil ng luha at emosyon?

"You stopped pursuing Engineering. And you wanted to pursue Medicine... If I hold on to you, if I let you do it..." I take a breathe before continuing. "Then I would have bigger regrets now. Araw-araw kong iisiping ginawa mo 'yon para sa akin... at hindi para sa sarili mo."

"Ginusto ko iyon!"

I shook my head. "Ginusto mo dahil sa tingin mo iyon ang makakatulong sa akin. Hindi dahil iyon ang talagang gusto mo."

The cold wind kissed my unclothed skin. Malamig pero hindi ko iyon mapagtuonan ng pansin.

"We should really stop digging the past. Nakaraan na 'yon, eh. Let's be glad and grateful for what you have become. You're an Engineer. A great one. Successful. As you should be."

Seeing his eyes went sharp and narrow, I guess he can't stay calm for long. He made one step forward to fill the gap between our bodies. Gusto ko mang umatras para panatilihin ang space sa pagitan namin, nag-ugat na ang mga paa kong tila bibigay na ano mang sandali.

"Engineer, hindi ba mas maganda at mas bagay iyong pakinggan?" My lips broke into one small genuine smile. Ang sarap lang sa tainga pakinggang tawagin siya noon. "Engineer Hamlet-"

"The heck am gonna damn do with that fucking title if you're not damn running back to me?!"

My heart skipped a beat sa pagtaas ng boses niya. I was too stunned, that left me gaping. His voice was laced with so much resentment and frustration.

"Huwag mo ng ipilit, sinasaktan mo lang ang sarili mo. It pains me, too, that I caused you pain. Kaya, tama na, Engineer. Leave the past where it rightfully belongs. Hayaan mo na rin ako..." pakiusap ko.

"Kung sana kaya kong hayaan ka na, then I should have done it! Ginawa ko na, sana, matagal na," sumbat niya.

"Try harder. Do something. Matalino ka, 'di ba? You should know what to do."

"I still want you..."

My weak walls just crumbled down. My emotions are raging. It was triggered by him. His aggressiveness let loose of my suppressed feelings. I can almost feel how strong it was na alam kong hindi ko mako-kontrol.

"We don't know, everything might malfunction once again-"

"I don't care! A decade, a year, a month-give it to me. You owe it to me!"

"Hindi gano'n kadali 'yon, Ham!" sigaw ko.

"Why?" Naging paos ang boses niya.

"Are you dumb?" Kinagat ko ng mariin ang pang-ibabang labi ko. "Why would you waste a decade or a year with me, if could just spend it with someone else? Someone who's not sickly? Somebody na walang hinahabol na oras?!" I desperately exclaimed.

"Why not Marthiela? Why not Paige? Why not a classmate at Harvard? Bakit ako? I might not be able to give you a family. I am bound to go blind! Bakit mo isinisiksik ang sarili mo sa akin?... Sila na lang, Ham."