seven ; walker scobell

chapter twenty three; dark paradise

"there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody, it won't leave me head." dark paradise; lana del rey

MY FAMILY DID grief differently. We didn't spend the day together, honouring our passed relatives memories. If anything, we pretend nothing happened. We avoid each other so we don't have to discuss the obvious. Marina was dead, so was my awful father. This was the anniversary of the seventh year without them. There was nothing else to say, so we all spent the day by ourselves.

Before I could put on my noise canceling headphones and hide beneath the covers of the hotel bed, not walking up until the likes of today had passed, there was a knock on my door.

I groaned, tossing the covers off to go check who could have the audacity to bother me. I opened it to reveal a certain, very concerned blonde boy. 

"Are you okay? You haven't answered any of my calls."

Of course he'd been worried. We made plans to go out together yesterday and go to that little coffee shop on the corner of the block. I hadn't thought about the date, because I didn't like to acknowledge it until it was here.

"Yeah, sorry Walk. I forgot to text you. Today isn't gonna work." Walker looked at me, warily. My eyes must've been red and my face puffy. He saw right through me.

"Mind if I come in?" He asked cautiously. Of course I agreed; I opened the door wider, and walked back into the room, leaving him to close the door behind him.

I slumped down onto the bed, where I'd made a little den for myself. I'd got Sunny to buy me many packets of lollies, salt and vinegar chips from the specific brand that Marina used to love, and I had at least 5 extra fluffy blankets.

"What's wrong. You almost never cry, unless we're watching the poem scene in 10 things I hate about you." Walker questioned me, lying down beside me. I felt his had stroke my hip as his thumb ran along my skin, soothingly.

I shrugged, not wanting to discuss the topic. In all honesty, I didn't even know if I'd be able to say the words aloud. The only person who had ever seen me on a day like this, besides my immediate family, was Sunny. I would have liked to keep it that way, but unfortunately this beautiful blonde boy had weaselled into my life and no plans of retreating.

"Maya. I'm not letting you shut me out." Walker sternly said, forcing me to roll over and face him. I sighed, wiping away the tears that kept on falling. I gazed into his ocean eyes, preparing myself to speak.

"It's uh, the anniversary of Marina's death." I said, chewing the inside of my cheek. "And my dad's." It felt necessary to add, even though none of the sadness I felt was for him.

Walkers face immediately fell. His mouth opened and closed, searching desperately for words of comfort. When he couldn't find any, he opened his arms to me, pulling me in for a tight hug. I fell apart in his embrace.

I sat there, sobbing to him for hours. It may have been seven years, but grief didn't have a time period. It came and went, in waves of pain and anger, hope and despair. My grief had never gotten any easier; I never learnt to deal with it well. What didn't help was that my grief came side-by-side with a lifetime of guilt.

Eventually, Walker found the time to speak. "Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything at all?" He said, stroking my long hair gently. I buried my face in his neck, trying to hide from his sympathetic gaze.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this." I laughed humourlessly at myself, embarrassed that I had allowed myself to fall apart like this in front of my boy friend. But instead of laughing along with me, Walker shook his head.