27. A Kernel of Truth

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If someone would have told me two years ago I'd be falling head over heels in love with Severus bloody Snape, I'd have laughed in their faces. I spent so much time fighting with him, after all. So much time despising his distance, his aloofness. Why would someone choose a life of darkness? Maybe my incomprehension about his life's choices was what drove me to try and find out more about him. To try and get through to him. 

But unraveling the thousand and one layers of his heart, to break through the walls he'd  built around his mind.....it had proven to be more difficult than I had initially expected, and I most certainly didn't expect to lose my heart to him in the process. Professional Curiosity, that's what I liked to think it was when this all started. 200 years of life experience and here he was, someone who I couldn't possibly understand or comprehend. Fascinating in more ways than one, and yet so incredibly stubborn and obstinate. 

And now it seemed like I kept putting myself in these impossible situations where I'd only end up getting hurt. I I couldn't stay away from Severus, and yet he didn't want me with him either. A bunch of contradictions which only resulted in mutual confusion. Maybe I should stay away. Give him the leeway he required to perform as a double agent for Dumbledore and allow for him to continue on what I knew to be a collision course with something dark and dangerous. Not tell him bout the fact that we were soulmates and just....let go.

But I couldn't. Maybe it was selfish of me. Maybe I was risking both of our lives, but at the present moment I didn't have the willstrength to stay away from him. I wanted to safe him, even from himself. Maybe if I got through to him, if he let me in, I'd be able to rescue his soul from the torment he was putting himself through. 

And it seemed that we'd reached some sort of understanding. Severus had now apparently made his peace with the knowledge that we just couldn't stay away from eachother, and some sort of silent agreement had passed between us. He'd shown me he was capable of emotion, that he could be gentle, even if he denied it fervently. I'd gotten through to him, but he'd only let me in when we were alone. Maybe it was just a question of time before he pushed me away again, but right now I was more than happy to know that there was something there, between us. That he wasn't out right denying the fact that we were drawn to eachother like moths to a flame. Destructive, passionate, and dangerous. But I was willing to roll the dice and face the odds if it meant I'd have him, even for the briefest of moments.

Those thoughts were confusing me more than anything, and when the day came to go on the fourth and final assignment I wasn't sure what to think anymore. Remus would be accompanying me on this trip, and I wouldn't see Severus for a few days. It was worrisome how accustomed I'd become to his presence, even if it was just seeing him from time to time, if only to reassure myself of his safety. Within my heart this fear had settled about Lord Voldemort hurting him again, and this time not holding back as he had seemed to do so far. There was no way to guarantee his safety, but I was worried nevertheless. I knew Severus would do whatever it took, no matter the consequences, always following orders. And if I wasn't there to look out for him, who was?

Shaking my head to dispel those dark thoughts I was making my way across the castle grounds. It was a crisp morning with grey clouds obscuring the sky, a harsh wind tussling my hair as I wrapped my cloak tighter around myself. I wasn't feeling particularly well this morning, but things couldn't be helped and I was expecting Remus to be waiting for me near the ground's exit.

He was, standing near the grand gates, flanked by large stone pillars with gargoyles on them. This was a side entrance to the castle grounds, and as I hurried to temporarily disarm the protective spells woven around the gate to allow myself to pass through them I smiled warmly at the werewolf. He looked tired, and smiled wearily when I finished re-instating the spells and protective charms. Hurrying towards him I gave him a quick hug, smiling at the surprised look on his face.

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