When I'm In His Arms

Chapter 6 :)

Now, just to make it clear, I had no intentions of hanging out with a group of boys that I barely knew. Especially after what happened with Lionel. I still couldn't shake away the image of him throwing me on the ground, like a piece of trash. That was what I deserved though. I was a piece of garbage. Garbage that nobody wanted. Just a broken toy.

And here I was, sitting down in a park eating pizza, and having an actual conversation with them. Any girl would kill to be in my place right now, and I was dying to leave. I was sitting between Harry and Liam, and I'm not sure why he did this, but Liam moved my spoon to the other side of my plate. He made eye contact with me, and he actually looked... frightened.

"Sorry," he said. He shook his head and laughed at himself. "It's a little quirk of mine. I guess it's a little phobia..."

I forced a smile. "That's alright. I have my own quirks too."

I pushed my half eaten pizza and bowl of pudding out in front of me. "Sorry," I said. "I'm not that hungry."

Zayn wiped his mouth on his napkin and pushed his plate forward too. "You know, I think I'm done too. Would you like to go for a walk, Saby?"

I was hesitant to say yes. After what happened last time I'd gone a walk with someone, I wasn't sure I was up for it. I couldn't imagine these boys would do anything to hurt me, but I also trusted Lionel. Still, when I looked into his inviting brown eyes as they sparkled in my own, and I gave in. "Okay."

He smiled and swung his feet over the bench. "Let's go!"

He whisked me to my feet and we set off down a leafy nature trail. The wind blew through my hair and caused my eyes to water. I pulled my new purple jacket in closer to my body. Harry and Niall bought me some new clothes at the store earlier and it wasn't that I wasn't grateful, but bright tank tops usually weren't part of my wardrobe. I picked the jacket up at the hospital gift shop before we left so I could feel a little more normal. I had the Teddy bear clipped to my belt loop of the new jeans I got this morning also.

Not to mention the fact that I needed long sleeves to cover my scars and a couple fresh cuts from this morning. I didn't want them to think of me as a freak, but at the same time I wanted to cut. I NEEDED to.

"So," Zayn began. "I'm really sorry about what happened Saby. I just wish there was a way I could make it up to you."

I shook my head. "No. Honestly, I'm fine," I lied. "I've never been better."

Truth be told, I'd been better at age eleven. At least I had barely known my brother's friends. At least I hadn't felt betrayed and broken hearted beyond belief. One time Jeff had even said that the world wouldn't miss me and it would be fine if I were gone. Even I would be fine with that now. All I had to do was plaster on a smile for two days. Just two measly little days and I could end it. I could be somewhere happier, away from this torture chamber...

Zayn smiled and casually stroked a piece of hair behind my ear. My cheeks burned. "I'm glad to hear it. You know, I think I'd love to get to know you better."

I raised my eyebrows. "Because you feel sorry for me?"

He looked taken aback and slowed down. "Uhhh, no. I'm just curious about you."

"Okay," I said shaking my head. "I'm sorry. I don't socialize much. You're a good person Zayn."

He smiled at the ground and put his hand on my shoulder. "Thank you, Saby."

I nodded. We walked for a couple more minutes in silence. It might not have been awkward for him, but I was dying on the inside. "Hey, would it be okay if I just walked by myself for a while? I need some time to think."

Zayn sighed. "Yea, that's fine. I understand." He grabbed my hand and slowly walked backwards, loosening his grip. "You have my number if you lose us."

I nodded. "I'll only be five minutes."

I walked along the trail listening to my footsteps crunch over the brittle leaves. I walked way more than five minutes and eventually stopped to sit down at a bench. I listened to the birds and felt the wind against my cheeks. If only life could be that easy. Just hop from one branch to another like the squirrels. Here in the center of the woods there was a sense of serenity and peace. My mind was cranking and winding. I didn't know what to think. I just wished my life was simple and care-free. I could fly in the trees with no purpose, no NEED for purpose. Just happiness. That wasn't my life. My life was a dark hole that would swallow me up if I wasn't careful. Not that it would matter to me. Jeff even said once that the world would be better off without me in it. He was right. I was bringing everyone down. Especially five very nice boys. That wasn't even the worst of it. I could be happy somewhere else if I hadn't been used as a toy all my life...

"Hey."

I whirled around so fast that I fell right off the bench. I watched as an upside-down Louis came over, looking down at me in curiosity. I glared at him.

"Is that a good way to welcome someone?"

He started to laugh, then knelt down beside me and extended his hand. His dazzling eyes looked at me innocently and my heart did a summersault. The smile on his face grew so wide, it looked like it could pop right off of his face. I glared at him, but behind the burning hate in my eyes, there was a smile in my heart. He hoisted me up gently by my arm, and brought me up close to his body. His shirt hugged every perfectly defined muscle in his chest and my heart began to beat at a hundred miles a minute. His breath on my face smelled like peppermint spice. The wrinkles by his eyes were warm and inviting. I felt myself starting to blush. Suddenly, I felt amazingly important and amost smiled. Instead, I forced a deeper frown.

"So everything is just one big joke to you?"

He smiled mischievously. "Not entirely..."

I felt my arm sting and looked down at my wrist. Blood was seeping through my jacket. One of my cuts had opened up when I fell and before I could hide my hand behind my back, Louis grabbed my arm tightly so I couldn't shake free. He pulled up my sleeve and his smile vanished immediately.

"Sabrina..."

I snatched my arm away from him. His face resembled a sad puppy. "Sabrina, please..."

"NO! Don't talk! You dont know me, you don't understand, you don't feel the way I do!" I hated him. I wanted him gone. He was poking his nose into every crevice of my life and he had no right. I wanted to slap him and make him know that he can't treat people like that.

I started to walk off in the other direction when his fingertips suddenly brushed against mine. I turned around and my heart ached at his expression. It was full of hurt, sympathy, and something else that I didn't recognize.

I didn't know what was happening until I was in his arms and his shoulder was damp from my tears. His body was warm and comfortable, something I could easily get used to. He nuzzled his head against mine and ran a hand through my hair. I wrapped my arms around his neck and suddenly I began to relax. My muscles were no longer tense. An even stranger and more foreign feeling clutched my heart. Louis held me tighter and suddenly I never wanted him to let go. There was a battle in my mind. 'No,' I thought. 'This isn't right! He'll hurt you! He'll turn your world upside-down!'

Suddenly a light flicked on in my mind. I remembered a time with my parents and the undeniable love they felt for me before they died. I remembered feeling something similar to the way I felt with Louis next to me. The butterflies, the blushing, the need for more... I recognized this very well now. And right here and now, with Louis' arms around mine I felt... I felt...

Pleasure.