When I'm In His Arms

Chapter 7 :)

That's what this feeling was.

I started to speak but he pressed two fingers over my lips. His hand stroked my spine, sending tingles throughout my body.

"Why Saby?" He looked me full in the face now. "You can talk to me now, okay?"

So I gushed. We sat on the bench together for what seemed like hours. I told him about my parents and how they treated me like a princess. They loved me like no one had ever loved me. I told him how after they died I went to live with my half brother and his father. When I got to the part about his friends, how I began cutting, and my bipolar issues, Louis started to avoid my gaze. I was worried that he was seeing me as I really was. A freak. An outcast. A nothing. I could tell he wanted to stand up and leave. But after I finished telling him my life story, he just leaned back and sighed.

"Louis?" He shook his head in disbelief and stroked his jaw thoughtfully.

"Eleven years old," he whispered. His eyes searched mine for more answers. I knew it was hard to believe. I could barely believe it myself. But it had happened. And that's how life was. Now he would tell the rest of the boys and I would be alone. Again.

One of his fingers traced my scars lightly. He laid his hand down and covered them. My mind screamed in protest. I couldn't let myself start to fall for him! But another thought crept into my mind that I would've given anything to deny:

'No. You already are falling.'

"Saby, I need you to promise me something." He looked at me hopefully and gave me a stern look. "Okay? Promise me you'll stop."

"And," I choked. "Why should I keep a promise to you?"

"Because you're killing yourself! That seems like a good enough reason to listen to somebody!"

"What do you know? You're famous! All you have to worry about is getting a million copies sold of your Cd! That's your life, Louis. And you're happy with it."

He tipped his head back and laughed. "It isn't as easy as you think, Saby. We have our own problems. What do you think would happen if the band split up? We would have millions of people blaming us. Blaming ME. It doesn't take much to know that I'm the least popular boy of One Direction. They call me a gay loser. They say I'm stupid, I'm immature, I take things for granted. They tell me I should go kill myself. They call me ugly..."

I was completely shocked to hear that LOUIS had been called ugly. Or stupid. Or anything other than what he's not. I gulped. "You're not ugly Louis."

His eyes sparkled and he wrapped his arm around my back. "And you know what Saby? It may be hard for you to believe this, because I know you've gone through so much hurt. But," he stroked a piece of my hair and swept it behind my ear, and whispered "you honestly are... beautiful. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're a good person. You're not a slut. And maybe you don't understand this, but you're the kind of girl that is beautiful inside and out. You just need to break the surface and let the girl inside of you free. That's who you really are."

My mouth dropped open and I brushed away a couple more stray tears. "You think... I'm beautiful? Why? I just told you everything. I'm a freak."

Louis stared into my eyes and grabbed my arm with his hands. "But you're not. Promise me. Promise me you'll stop."

My lip quivered and tears welled in my eyes once more. I thought of this moment. Just the way Louis looked at me. This was a feeling that I'd never even felt for Lionel. This was different. It wasn't irrational. I took a deep breath. "I promise."

He stroked the side of my cheek and I watched in awe as he closed the distance between his lips and mine. A warm tickling feeling spread from my lips, to my heart, and throughout the rest of my body. The more my mind screamed, the more I wanted to block out my own disbelief and just kiss him. I pulled him in closer and felt his warmth spread out over my skin. This was a kiss I'd never experienced. It was gentle, and on my own terms. I couldn't get enough of it. I wanted to know every detail about him. I wanted to know what he was like before he was famous. Had he even changed? How could a person like him kiss a person like me? I wanted to see his baby pictures, what his room looked like, and just be with him.

But that would make him more like me...

I slowly pulled away. I was trapped by my own astonishment. I sat back and folded my hands in my lap. 'Exactly,' I thought. 'He's famous. He'll ditch you at the first chance he gets just because he has another million girls out there dying to love him and be loved by him. He'll be on tour. He'll never think of you again. And even if he does care... you won't. You'll ruin him just like everyone else you've loved.'

"Louis..." I whispered. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."

I was surprised, and also relieved, to see my words actually made him smile. "That's alright. I shouldn't have kissed you. That was... wow. I'm sorry."

I sighed. "It's okay. I just want you to understand that this -you and I- is just not really... ideal. It's not going to work. No matter what, we don't... belong."

His smile fell. He put a hand on my leg. "We should go." He stood up again and started walking away. My mind shot out a million different feelings. Stay, go after him, apologize, screw it, run away, leave...

"Louis wait!"

He barely looked behind him when he said, "come on then."

I started after him but I stopped halfway between him and the bench. "Please just hear me out. I'm sorry."

He turned around fast. "Sorry about what you said or sorry you said it?"

"I... I..." I stuttered, searching for the right words. "Both." I knew it was stupid, as soon as the words slipped from my mouth. He had been telling the truth to me and my paranoia got the best of me.

"Yea, well I've tried many times now to reach out to you. And you know what, I was even starting to think you could be helped." His mouth opened and closed, trying to say something. "Because you're strong Sabrina. From the moment you opened your eyes on the bus, I felt something inside of me change. It scared me. You made me nervous, and I should've known then that I couldn't help you."

"It's Saby," I snapped.

"Is that all you can say? You're the ungrateful one. I understand that you've had a terrible life. But that can change. I can HELP you change. Please..." he looked at me with desperation. "Tell me what you want Saby. What do you WANT?"

My mouth felt dry and my heart pounded against my chest. "I just want to know one thing."

"Shoot."

I looked at him, praying that what I was about to say was right. "Do you like me?"

He looked down at his feet and kicked around some dirt. "I think you know the answer to that one." His eyes flicked to mine briefly and he said, "yes."