chapter twelve

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chapter twelve
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I PULLED AWAY FROM GRANT and looked into the eyes of Georgia Rae. I relaxed slightly as I attempted to smile after the awkward moment she just found Grant and I in.

"Oh, God. I'm sorry." She laughed. "Wow, what a buzzkill, am I right?" She awkwardly held her hands behind her back as I stepped further away from Grant. "Okay, I'll just talk to you later." She turned around and rushed into the house.

I looked at Grant. He stood there like he was waiting for some kind of explanation.

"Sorry." I stammered and gulped. "I'm just trying to figure some things out."

"Yeah, I understand." He nodded his head. "That monster of yours must be really scary." He smiled. I did too as I just stood there and didn't know what to say next. "Alright, I'll let you catch up to your friends, then." He began to walk backwards. "I'm gonna go talk to May."

My eyes widened and my whole body pounded along with my heartbeat. I just realized that I completely acted like Julia just then (well, sort of), when I found out May liked girls and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I can't believe how much of a jerk move that was.

"I need to talk to her, too." I said as I began walking next to Grant.

     "Oh, no, it's okay." He stopped walking and faced me. "I've gotta talk to her about something... between May and I."

     "Oh." I shook my head and smiled faintly. "Alright." I cleared my throat, "could you just tell her that I - uh... I'm sorry for running away and I'd like to talk to her?"

     Grant smirked and nodded his head. He was so kind - I could just tell.

     "Sure." He soothed. "I'll tell her."

     "Thanks," I smiled, "Fernando." He chuckled and shook his head as he walked back inside the house, leaving me alone in the backyard.

     I turned around to start walking over to Mackenzie, but my legs couldn't seem to move. My thoughts overpowered my vision and I was no longer in the real moment. I was thinking about everything - my childhood, Julia, girls...

     In kindergarten, I had a crush on a girl named Alex. I didn't think it was anything until now... I just thought she was pretty and I wanted to hold her hand and - oh, my God. I liked her, in a way that a woman should love a man.

     Growing up, my friends always had celebrity women crushes but I never seemed to have a celebrity crush on a man. All of my crushes were on girls.

     Holy crap.

     I took a deep, shaky breath as I collapsed onto the ground and sat in the grass while I just continued to think.

     Then Julia - oh, my God. I was absolutely completely in love with Julia. There was no denying that. She was gorgeous, inside and out, and whenever I was around her my heart pounded out of my chest and goosebumps rose on my skin. I knew it wasn't necessarily normal to think of your best friend like that, but I did, and I let it happen. Whenever I wasn't with her, I'd be thinking about her constantly. I thought that was normal.

     What about Mason? I've been dating him for a little over five months but I've been forcing myself to do everything in our relationship. He's in love with me, no doubt about that, but I'm not sure if it's the other way around. I don't think I love him - in a romantic way. I didn't even feel anything when I kissed Grant. Absolutely nothing.

     Tears lightly fell down my face. I needed to let this out, I needed to feel okay, I needed to cry and leave everything behind. But I know I couldn't leave it behind anymore. I had to face it.

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