chapter twenty four

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chapter twenty four
(not edited)

     I SIGHED AS I RESTED MY HEAD ON MY mom's shoulder. We were laying down in my bed with Friend's playing on my laptop in front of us. We needed something to lighten our hearts. I felt her warmth seep from her shoulder into my cheek, which helped me forget about my father for a second. Only for a second.

     "Mom." I cleared my throat. She hummed in response. "Do you know how dad found out?" I gulped, "You know, that I'm gay?"

     My mom shifted in her position so she was facing me completely. Her eyebrows were furrowed and the bags under her eyes were highlighted with dried tears. I hated that I made her feel this way. If I were straight or didn't come out, would everything be easier? Why is being gay such a crime?

     "No, honey." My mom pouted and shook her head. "I have no idea. But, I think he had lunch with Mason's father the other day, and, uh - maybe that's when it happened."

     My heart sank down to my toes as I looked away from my mother's face and began to play with the edge of my blanket. Why are there so many consequences that I'm having to face? Why can't everyone just accept who I am and then move on with their lives? Why do I need approval first?

     We turned our attention back to Friend's for a little bit while I had something to say on the tip of my tongue. I just couldn't quite get it out, though.

     "Mom." I finally said. She turned her body towards me and stared right into my eyes. "I - uh - I want to tell you something."

     "Okay." She gulped and nodded her head.

     The next words were going to be extremely hard; especially because I've never talked to her about this kind of thing before.

     "Remember Julia?" I gulped.

     "How could I forget?" She answered. "You guys were glued at the hip." Her lips curved into a small smirk. I gulped and looked down.

     "Yeah." I breathed. "I, uh, I've never told you this before, but we went to a party at the beginning of sophomore year. And, uh, I kissed her." I breathed, "And she completely lost it and basically ended our friendship right there."

     My mom's face was filled with sadness, concern, guilt, sympathy, all in one.

     "It's been a really tough school year without her. But, last week, she came up to me and told me that she wanted to be friends again and, just, I don't know." I closed my eyes. "I don't know what to do."

     My mom took a deep breath and placed her hand on the side of my head.

     "Hey." She said, causing me to open my eyes and really look at her. She just stared at me for a long time, probably wondering what to say. "It'll be okay."

My heart dropped even further. That seems to be the only sentence that people are telling me these days. Will it really be okay? What if it's not?

"Honey," she started again, "I know this must be hard. Especially because you have so much stress and pressure on you right now. But," she gulped, "if Julia came to you last week and you still don't know what to do," pause, "I think you're just trying to tell yourself to forgive her and be friends again."

I took a deep breath and thought about that for a little bit. Is it true? Am I really just trying to convince myself to forgive her? What's going to happen if we become friends again?

"But-" I gulped. I didn't really know what I was going to say next.

"But what?"

"Never mind." I shook my head as I felt my heart come back to its original position from being in my toes. "I just - I don't know what's going to happen." I sighed. "We were friends for so long and then she hated me for so long and -"

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