Come On, Make It Easy // P.S.

Chapter Six: The Sting Actually Helps With The Pain

||Allie's POV||
*trigger warning*

I couldn't believe how far I had gotten from the boys.

On one hand, it was relieving knowing I wasn't a burden on them anymore. But on the other hand, Pete had never been anything but good to me. I loved my brother, and I loved his friends like they were family; because they practically were.

But I couldn't pretend like I wasn't just baggage for them to lug around and take care of all the time. I had to have annoyed them with all of my complaining and whatnot.

I hated leaving them. I really did. But I couldn't risk them finding out. I couldn't risk them knowing the truth.

That could put not only them at risk because of the publicity of "Fall Out Boy Bassist, Pete Wentz; Sister Was Raped By Past Boyfriend! (Read ALL About It!)" But at risk because Daren would know I would be with them. He could find me.

So, I came to the conclusion that leaving was the best option. It was better for Pete, and Joe, and Andy...and..Patrick.

Patrick.

The look on his face as the train left the station was one of the worst things I've ever had to experience. I couldn't get his expression out of my mind.

If Daren ever found him...and tried to hurt him...just the thought sent shivers down my spine and I almost puked in disgust. I ran my hands through my hair for what felt like the fortieth time that night, trying to tame my shaking hands.

My mind had been spiraling all day and I couldn't stop myself from shaking and screaming at the voice in my head to "just shut up already". I was having a panic attack and I knew of only one thing that could help me fix it.

I patted the front pocket of my jeans instinctively, searching for the tiny piece of metal I normally put there, only to realize I'd given it to 'Trick several days ago.

I couldn't think.

I couldn't breathe.

I needed my blades and I was an idiot to give them to the boys.

See what you do? You're useless.

I winced at the sudden outburst in my head, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

Bullshit. You knew you wouldn't have your blades if you gave them to Patrick. This is all your fault.

"I know, okay! I know it's all my fucking fault but I didn't want to hurt them! I couldn't hurt Patrick-" I stood up from my seated position on the bed and paced back and forth anxiously.

Pathetic. Giving up something for a stupid crush.

"I'll find another way it's not a big deal." I reasoned with myself.

You should just kill yourself to get it out of the way. Save everybody the time. Just do it, Allie. Nobody cares about you anyway.

"I know..I know..." Hot tears streamed down my face as I collapsed onto the motel floor. Pushing the heels of my palms into my eyes, holding back more tears from forming, "I want to die."

That's good. It means you should get it over with. What's the point anyway? You're worthless.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, silently agreeing with my inner thoughts as if my mind was a different person than myself.

Get a knife, blade, rope; whatever, it doesn't matter. Just do it. Nobody gives a shit about you anyway.

"I'm going to do it." I whispered into my hands as I wiped my eyes, "I'm going to kill myself tonight. Nobody cares. You're right. Nobody gives a fucking shit about me."