Courtesy Of Blurryface

I Don't Even Know Myself, I Wish I Could Be Someone Else

Sometimes, I end up hating myself for the most silliest reasons. I remember one time, I lost at a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors against my aunt and I hated myself because I failed and I thought, "If I can't even win a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I can't get into a college." Yes, I used to think about college back then but I don't anymore.

Anyway, back to Mr. Grants' office.

"So, could you boys show her around?"

"Not much to show. I mean, it's not the mall or anything spontaneous." Josh says, whilst looking at his phone.

Who is he talking to? He mentioned he was talking to a girl online earlier but I rolled my eyes and sat on the porch.

"Well, you have to show her where the classrooms are."

"Yeah, okay." Josh walks out of the office and heads upstairs to band.

Did he just leave me with Jenna so I could make another friend or is he just really a big douche-bag when it comes to school? I still don't know.

Mr. Grant sighs, "Be back in a second, Tyler, accompany her so I can go get Joshua."

"Okay." I mutter under my breath.

"So, Tyler, is this school a dump like Josh said so or was he being sarcastic?"

I don't answer, I shrug my shoulders instead.

"I'm going to go on a limb and say it most likely is a dump?"

I nod.

"Got ya annddd... Wait, why aren't you talking?"

"I don't know."

"Are you uncomfortable?"

"I don't know."

"Could you give me something besides, 'I don't know?"'

"I don't know."

"Are you nervous?"

"I don't know."

"Are you shy?"

"I don't know."

"Do you get bullied?"

"Could you say something else that isn't remotely related to a survey?" I say.

"Could you- Oh, you finally said something besides 'I don't know.'"

I hate myself so much right now. This wasn't love at first sight. It was "I don't know." and "Are you _____?"

Say, I was someone else. I wouldn't be as nervous and shy and timid and awkward like right now. If I can be happy and optimistic as a child and sad and pessimistic as a teenager and not know what happened, I don't know myself at all. It makes me not realize who I actually am (Which I don't know) and wish that judging from how I am now, that I want to be someone else.