We went into the shower and--- that's all I'm going to say. Let's just say there was more going on than cleaning up. Cameron and I will never fake anything ever again.
Or so we thought....
You see, keeping this secret is harder to keep than you think. At the Teen Choice Awards, when I won, I wanted to hug and kiss Nash, but I could not. I could not tell the fans that we were married. I could not stand when theses twelve year old fans sending him tweets on how they want him to have her babies. It makes me sick that I have to keep my feelings in until this whole Cash thing dies down.
Nash seems perfectly fine on bottling my feeling when we are in public. One of these days, I will be free from these chains, that Nash put on to hold me down and we could finally kiss in public. I never talk about my feelings anymore. Whenever I do, he becomes very emotional, making me feel guilty.
I want to one day scream my lover's name on the roof tops, on the highest mountains, say it on social media, but I am reminded that I can not do that. I feel more restricted than I was when I did not tell Nash. I knew this would of happened, Nash is embarrassed of me. He is embarrass to kiss me, to love me, and to even touch me because of this God-forsaken society.
I crave him more than ever. I need him, just one taste, just one kiss, just one touch, is that too much to ask! Apparently it is, but I need him, I need to see those big beautiful blue eyes. I need to feel his chocolate brown hair in my fingertips. I need to hear that beautiful laugh that I could play over and over again. Most of all I need to taste those sweet lips that taste like strawberry candy. If I can not have him, I will probably die, not probably I will.
He is ashamed of me, I am not good enough for him. I need to be better. I need to do more, I am such a lazy bum. I never support him, I never do enough for him. Why can I not be good enough for him? Why can I not be Justin Bieber, or Zac Efron? Why do I have to be me? I have to pretend to be straight, I have to pretend to be this role model to young girls to stay strong and be yourself. When really I am as weak a helpless puppy and I have to pretend.
No wonder Nash is disappointed in me, I have to keep pretending, for his sake. I do not want his reputation, or he will leave me forever. I can not let that happen. I can not lose him, I lost him once, I am not losing him again. Please God, give me strength, please!
I can not do it! I am going insane, I can not take this. I want to see him being joyful, believe me I do, but I might go crazy if I can not kiss him in public. I just want to be joyful, but this secret is eating me alive, like a parasite eating me from the inside, but I can not lose him. I-I-I just can not....
I wake up screaming and crying my lover's name. Nash woke up and tried to calm me down, but I refused. I was shaking like a small dog, crying like it was raining, and mumbling random thoughts like I was this insane patient.
"Shh, it's okay baby, I'm here," he whispered in my ear.
"Nash, I can not do it!" I screamed,"I-It is e-e-eating me a-alive."
"I can barely take the hate now, if they make fun of me about being g-gay, I m-might--," he said before I cover his mouth.
"Do not say that!" I said crying more,"I need you in my life."
"Then please promise me that you will keep this quiet for a little longer," He said caressing his cheek.
"I-I promise," I said as he kisses my cheek.
I can not do it anymore....
YOU ARE READING
Dead Inside Book II
Fanfiction"How could you?!" I said crying,"I though you loved me." He laughs making me cry more. He stands up and slaps me across the face. His eyes burning holes through my head. He pins me against the wall and starts beating me harshly. I feel my organs be...
