Hidden Behind a Smile

Is It an Addiction?

When you think of an addiction the first thing that usually comes to mind is drugs. But a person can have an addiction to almost anything. For example: someone, such as myself, can quickly develop and addiction to cutting. But how does something like this happen? It's not like drugs where there is an addictive chemical. There's a different process that goes on.

I read online that when you're angry, sad, any kind of distress really, you tend to behave in a certain way. When you keep behaving this way it forms a psychological habit that you will automatically adhere to when in these kinds of situations. And the problem is, you often need to do it in order to calm down. For example: if someone starts to break things in order to calm down from being angry, they will have this need to always do so.

    Now I'm starting to think, "Is it really an addiction?" Or is it simply an unconscious feeling of temporary escape? When the blade touches my skin, it feels as if just for an instant the world stops. I'm not sure what I feel. Calm? Relaxed? Comforted by the sight of my own blood? It's almost impossible to describe it unless you've done it yourself.

I will say one thing though. You will never be in a panicked state. Ask anyone who cuts. We don't panic. I don't know about anyone else but for me, my mind goes blank and the only thing I can concentrate on is the blade.

And then I cover it up and go about my business.

But then there's that need again. I can ignore it but only for so long. I can go without for days but the urge comes back. The temptation, and out comes the blade. Why does the blood relax me? When will I be able to say no?

Bad habits die hard.