Hidden Behind a Smile

It's Not So Easy

Anyone who knows me will know that I am very stubborn. I am incredibly good at keeping secrets, whether it be mine or someone else's. It's not so easy to get answers out of me. I'm very good at evading questions and warping a lie to sound like the truth.

Not only can I edit answers, I'm also good at editing proof. I'm pretty tech savvy, so it's not that hard for me. I can't photoshop for shit, but I have other ways of covering my tracks. Pretty much the only way to get me to crack, is to catch me red handed. Probably not by catching me in the act, but putting me into a situation that I would have a hard time getting out of.

I know I can't hide forever. I know that my cover is fading bit by bit. I'm pretty sure that a couple people know and just won't tell me that they know. Perhaps they want me to admit it? Or are they scared to tell me?

If someone is suspicious of me in any way, I usually know pretty quick. I catch on almost right away because the slightest change in someone immediately sends up a red flag. Right now I have seen a few of those red flags. I know that people are catching on.

When I know that I have eagle eyes on me, I normally play the dumb card. I'm good at acting oblivious to situations. It's not hard for me at all. If I can hide my emotions for extended periods of time, that how different is it to hide the fact that I know certain information? 

When people want answers from me, they need to be a bit more invasive. Because waiting will take forever. I hate waiting as well, but I'm terrified to confess on my own. Everyone has confessed with me, so why won't I? Why do I keep lying to them? Why am I lying to myself by believing that I'm doing the right thing? I know it's wrong, but I just feel stuck...

I want to confess so bad. But I think I need some help to do so... I don't want to ruin someone's mood with bad news. I'm afraid that the reaction I will get will make things worse. I have so many scenarios in my head and most of them don't play out well.

If I confess, will I be told it's okay? Or will I get lectured? I don't want to say it on my own. At this point I'd rather someone tell me that they know, and be okay with it.

Is it okay to be scared?