Hidden Behind a Smile

Hiding Behind a Smile, and Under a Jacket

It's not always easy to hide the marks. At home, no problem. At school, not too difficult. But there's always a situation where I'm left exposed.

I've noticed that even though I don't cut deep it will still leave some faint scars. They'll heal in a while but for now they're still visible, just not quite as noticeable. No big deal.

When I do have actual cuts however, I need to hide them. The easiest way to do that is to keep a jacket on or wear a long sleeve shirt. But there's some times where I get too warm for a jacket, or I need to take it off for something such as changing for gym class. That's where bracelets come in handy. It only takes a couple of wide bracelets and maybe a watch to cover up the area. I can also draw on myself if there's not too many cuts. Maybe a Band-Aid and blame it on the cat or something. Or say I fell and got cut up.

I've gone through a bunch of believable scenarios in my head to use as a backup in case someone does see. But I wonder. What if they don't believe me? I suppose if my friends found out it wouldn't be that bad. But what do I do if an adult finds out, like my parents? What am I gonna do then?

That's why I've learned to be very cautious. If I can hide my thoughts then I can hide some cuts. I've been doing it for a little over a month now. Maybe a bit longer. No one that I know of has noticed. I've been questioned a couple times but I think I managed to throw them off.

I was OK for a couple weeks because I was trying to heal for that physical. But I just couldn't fight it. A nerve got pinch so without thinking I just walked into the living room, got my blades from their hiding spot, an *slice*. One new scar to add to the collection.

Normally I take it slow, but for this one I just drug the blade across my skin. It didn't really hurt and I don't think I was even fully aware of it. But for some reason I felt a little better afterward. Like I was able to release some of the pressure. I still don't fully understand why I get this feeling of comfort. Of release. Of... Something.

Someday I'll figure out the word.

This is just one little cut. I can hide it with a ponytail. I don't really need to though. Just one measly cut. Not too suspicious. But I still stay cautious, and I did find out that a sharpie mark covers it up real nice.

As far as hiding my mental scars goes, it's not that hard. I've been hiding it most of my life so I've learned. Rarely, but sometimes, I'll have to have some time to myself to just cry. Something else I've learn to do; cry quietly and rarely. But if I cry around others, then something is very wrong. I hate crying when people are around.

If only I didn't have to fight the pain. Then I wouldn't have the need to cry. Or hide.