Hidden Behind a Smile

Do They Know?

I almost slipped up the other day. Without thinking, I almost pulled up my sleeve to show the scars before I realized what I was doing. It's kind of like catching yourself when you almost slip out a swear word. But instead of swearing, it's the marks that were almost revealed. But then I started thinking...

Do they already know?

The way I've been acting lately... It's not obvious but anyone who's observant can probably figure it out. I can see it in their faces. The faces of my friends. The faces of the people I've been keeping secrets from... I can see the suspicion. The way that look at me when the topic comes up.

Do they know?

I want to tell them so badly. I want to come out with the full truth, but something is holding me back. I have the while script in my head, but I can't play it out. Why is it so hard for me to tell them? What am I afraid of? Maybe I'm afraid that they will see me differently. Maybe I'm afraid that a rumor will develop. I just don't know.

It was so easy for them to tell me. Or was it so easy? I know I'm not the only one who keeps secrets. It seems lately that there is a delay in time before I find out anything. Am I not trusted? Perhaps I'm just getting worked up for nothing... But now I'm starting to think...

Do I not trust them?

Of course I trust them. I think the big thing is that I can't trust myself. And no, I don't trust myself. I never have. I have never been able to trust myself, even with my own information. Why this is, I can't say. It's just how I've always been. Or at least, it's how I've been for a while now.

If they do know, why don't they confront me about it? Are they afraid that they're wrong? Do they think I will judge them for simply being observant? I don't judge. In fact, I hate not coming clean. Of course, if questioned I will say no. It's what I've been doing anyway. It takes a bit more than questioning to get me to crack. Why am I so stubborn?

Maybe it's more than that. Maybe they're positive that their suspicions are correct, and are simply waiting for me to come clean. Waiting for me to admit my mistakes. Waiting for me to finally say sorry...

Whatever the reason is, I feel like it's not long now before the truth is revealed once and for all. I don't know what will happen then. The anxiety I'm feeling is almost overwhelming. I'm afraid that it will take a lot for them to regain trust in me... I know what I've done is wrong I'm just afraid, terrified even, to admit it.

Will someone please give me a hug, and tell me it's okay?