Hidden Behind a Smile

Friends to the End, but is this the End?

Catherine Scott

We were best friends from 3rd grade. We've been together through everything, even when she moved away for a year. We've been there when we needed each other. We've shared some of the best memories and withstood the test of time. We always said that nothing would come between us...

That is, until high school came along.

She's changed. I can't quite explain how, but she's changed. She's not the same person who clung to me in middle school. Her attitude towards me has become uneasy, and even hateful at times. We considered each other sisters, and loved each other like so. But now that sisterly love is all but gone. Our friendship is being ripped apart by... nothing, but something.

I feel stuck. Trapped on a never ending nightmare roller coaster. I never believed something like this would ever happen. People always told me that she would leave me behind, because that's "what always happens". I always ignored them. I wasn't going to let a stereotype influence our friendship. But now every time I turn around she's finding something wrong with me, and feels the need to make a big deal about it. She abuses me over one little thing here, another there. And it's starting to add up.

Catherine has this thing about having to be right. When she has an opinion, she speaks it loud and proud. But if you disagree with her, she starts getting an attitude and then there's usually one person she targets as the reason the problem started. Lately, that nominee has been me. It seems like nothing I do is good enough for her. For example:

If I'm quiet --> I'm ignoring her.

If I'm trying to have a conversation --> I'm making everything about me.

If I'm calm when she's yelling at me --> I'm being a rude bitch.

If I'm trying to explain some logic/reason --> I'm being greedy.

I've tried my best to improve my attitude with her. I really have. Apparently it's not good enough for her. It's nice to know that she can just turn her back on me and leave me behind. I would never do that. I would never be able to bring myself to do that when we've been together for so long. It breaks my heart to see how easy it is for her to drop everything and make me feel like shit. Just from the events of the past couple of weeks, this is what she makes her opinion of me sound like: Apparently I'm an annoying, self-centered little bitch who makes my friends feel like shit to the point where they want to hurt themselves.

She never actually said this to me, but it's how she is making it seem like. Unlike how she is treating me, I care about my friends. A lot. And it would kill me to know that I am causing them any pain. But if anyone wants to hurt themselves because of another's actions, it's me. She has hurt me to the point where I prefer the physical pain of the blade through my skin. So that's exactly what I did.

If I had to choose between the emotional torture she is inflicting on me or the physical pain of cutting, I'll pick cutting. The cuts don't hurt nearly as bad. Talking to her about how I feel doesn't help either, because at this point she doesn't care. It would just make things worse.

My friends are also noticing how she is behaving, and they don't like it one bit. They are making it clear that they are not going to put up with it, and are going on with their lives. I feel like she is blaming me for this. But hopefully she'll realize that this is what will happen when she does what she's been doing.

I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with this. How many times am I going to stitch my heart together only to have it ripped out and crushed again? One of these days I'm going to get pushed over the edge. And I don't know, or want to know, what will happen then...