The Girl

TWENTY-FIVE

BRIANNA

30/06/15

smiled at me. it was beautiful. im scared that she might mean a lot to me already.

01/07/15

i like her. a lot. she loves the cranberries

02/07/15

i want to kiss her all the time. we almost had sex, but she stopped--or i stopped--i can't remember really. all i can remember is how her mouth felt on mine.

03/07/15

i don't know what i want anymore. i want her--im scared of having her and making her the center of my universe.

15/08/15

i love her and i told her. it feels fucking awesome to love someone (her boobs also look rlly good rn)

30/08/15

she looks so beautiful at all times of the day. even when she's sleeping. every part of her is so flawless and im scared she might realized how fucked up i really am and leave me. i don't want her to leave. i think im more scared of her leaving me than anything in the world. i feel like i know who i am around her.

01/10/15

i visited my mom today and told her all about brianna. i feel like if she were here she'd love her just as much as i do. she's a national treasure.

?????

fuck idk what day it is anymore and im too lazy to check my phone but she's coming today and im fucking excited. i basically asked her to marry me and move in with me in our text conversations and i know she doesn't want to and i don't know if im ready to share a space with her. i love her with everything i have to offer, but i don't want us to fall apart because i want us to grow with each other. i want us to be indestructible. if worse comes to worse, i should probably stop making all my songs about her.

fuck i love her so much. her flight is almost here and i

I closed the journal and stared at the shitty cover with his name poorly written on the surface. I swallowed the lump in my throat and set his journal to the side before walking down to the bar. He was sitting, hunched over a gin and tonic. He stared at the nearly consumed alcohol before tilting his head back and drinking it with ease.

"I love you," I told him easily and reached for his hand. He turned his hand over, palm up so we could intertwine fingers. "And I want us to talk about this. I want us to grow with each other."

He quirked a smile. "You read each one?"

"Some--I skipped a few," I admitted and brought his hand to my lips, kissing his knuckles tenderly. "I don't want us to fall apart either, Luke. I want us to be together for as long as possible. I just don't want to depend on you for everything."

He gave me a desperate look. "But you wouldn't be depending on me, Brianna. See, you don't get it--I depend on you. I depend on you to smile, to frown, to get angry, to be optimistic. You're a chemical in my veins that aids in the process of all of that shit."

"Luke, I love you," I exhaled and brought my stool closer to his. "I love you more than anything--you make me such a selfish person because I would rather blow everything off than not be with you in bed all day."

Luke didn't say anything, just stood and picked me up. I squeaked and held onto him, glad he was even touching me. We got to the elevator and he set me down, not wasting time as he pressed me against the opposite wall and kissed me. It was slow, but rough. His hands were practically gripping my face, his long fingers in my hair as I pressed my lower half against him.

"I love you," I moaned, guiding his head over to my neck as he lifted me against the wall. He whimpered and stopped, lifting his head and pressing his forehead against mine. "I will do anything you want."

Luke gripped my hips and brought his forehead to press against mine. "I just want you for as long you'll have me, Brianna. I don't want to be an 'and', I want to be an 'us'."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. "You want us to refer to each as 'we'?"

Luke rolled his eyes and kept me against him as the elevator doors opened. I held onto him and left small kisses on his cheek until we got back to the hotel room.

We got inside and I didn't feel like he wanted to say anything until we got into bed. He was laying on his side and watching me as I propped up my laptop and laid out my homework.

"How much homework do you have?" He asked, running his hand over my thigh mindlessly, making his fingers dance against my skin.

"A lot, but it's not due until next month," I explained and bit down on my lip. "Do you want me to put it away?"

He bit down on his own lip and nodded. "I want to cuddle my girlfriend."

I giggled and hurried to put everything away before turning off the light and crawling into bed with him. He kissed my neck and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"I missed your hair and your scent, and christ I just missed you so much," Luke sighed and kissed my forehead. "What did you do while I was gone?"

"Hung out with Lo before she left, had a bunch of lunches with my mom, and spent time with my little sisters and older brothers... It was weird--"

Luke frowned. "Have you hung out with them since we started dating?"

"Yeah, of course," I assured him. "Nothing really has changed about how I spend time with my family, Luke. I promise."

He nodded and sighed. "I just don't want you to prioritize me."

"You are one of them," I told him. "You will continue to be one of them."

"Okay," He kissed my forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I told him, biting my lip. "I have a question for you."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I want us to move in together, but I also don't want to give up my apartment--It sounds selfish, but I just got it and--"

"You want us to move in together?" He asked, a little surprised.

"Yeah? Is that bad? I'm sorry," I rushed only to be kissed profoundly.

"I want to," He murmured against my lips. "We wouldn't be able to do it for a couple of months since we're both going to be all over the place, but I want to."

I smiled and bit down my lip. "My place?"

"Mhm," He crawled on top of me and gave small kisses to the side of my neck. I exhaled and ran my fingers through his hair gently.

My other hand moved to remove my underwear while he pulled his boxers down slightly. He smiled against my mouth and held himself against me before thrusting forward gently. I gasped, gripping his shirt and shutting my eyes tightly. He was so slow and careful and it felt so good to be with him.

Our mouths met, his breathing heavy and his hands gripping the pillow under my head. I whimpered, clenching around him and orgasming silently before he was pulling out of me and coming onto his hand.

Luke left one last kiss on my mouth before disappearing into the bathroom. I remained in bed, underwearless and on cloud nine. When Luke returned, he was shirtless and his boxers were hanging dangerously low and when he smiled at me I felt the clench in my stomach.

I wanted it all with him. Everything.