Never Felt Right Calling This Just Friends (Jack Barakat)

Chapter 31

It's been 2 weeks since Jack admitted his feelings for me, 2 amazing weeks. He makes me very happy and I'm glad that the thing that we have is working well, even though I have no idea where this was going.
The others didn't notice anything, even though it's kinda annoying to hide everyhing.
The only bad thing about this whole thing is that I'm falling more and more for Jack, and that scared me.

We were all sitting in the front lounge, eating pizza. Yes, me too. I've been eating more than usual since I'm with Jack, I let myself kinda go. He always gave me his puppy eyes when I didn't want to eat so I always gave in and he also gave me the feeling that food doesn't hurt me and it was a weird but good feeling.
But I would always regret it after, like I did right now.

"Here", Jack poked me with a pizza box in my arm. I looked to my side and shook my head no. I couldn't eat another piece. I had 3 already and that's 3 too much.

"C'mon", he said with a smile. I sighed. "No, thanks", I said and gave the TV my attention even though there were just commercials. One about an online fitness program to lose weight. This is a sign. I felt so guilty for eating so much, I hated myself for it. I tried to distract myself from my thoughts, my bad thoughts. I started to bite down on my inner lip and to shake my leg nervous.

You're fat. You're thighs are huge. You're arms are chubby, same as you're face. You need to lose weight.

The voices were right. I shouldn't have been so carefree with eating.

"I'll be right back", I excused myself and got up, going straight to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and looked into the mirror, my eyes already started to tear up. I'm a mess.

I kneeled down infront of the toilet and took a deep breath.
I haven't done this in months, should I really start again? Fuck it.

I stuck my finger down my throat.

After I was done I flushed the toilet, sat down on the ground and cried.
I did it again. I hated myself for it but I would hate myself more if I gain more weight.

I needed to pull myself together and go back before the others notice anything. So I got up, cleaned myself up and also took my makeup off so I had an excuse why it took me so long.

I went back to the front lounge and sat down again. Rian came over to me.

"You okay?", he asked me. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Why shouldn't I be?", I asked back.

"It looks like you cried", he said concerned. I felt Jacks eyes on me.

"Got makeup remover in my eyes", I lied and added a small fake laugh. Rian looked at me for a moment but then nodded. "Alright".

"Hey I'm tired I'm heading to bed", I told the guys and they said good night.
I got up and went to the bunks.

"Hey wait", I heard Jack say just before I could crawl into my bunk. I turned. "Hm?".

"Sure you're alright?", he asked me which caused me to roll my eyes.
"I already told Ria-" - "You got something in your eyes, sure. Just wanted to make sure, sorry", he finished my sentences and I felt bad. I didn't mean to look annoyed by him. I just hate it when people don't believe me when I tell them that I'm fine.. Even though it's not true.

I sighed and touched his arm. "I'm sorry. I'm fine, okay? Just tired so I'd rather go to bed now", I said and gave him a sweet smile. He smiled back at me.

"Okay", he said and turned around to thw front lounge, he turned back to me and kissed my forehead. "Sleep well".
I breathed a laugh and opened my curtains. "You too, well, later", I said and went into my bunk.
He laughed a little and stroke my cheek. "Night", he said and went back to the others.

I closed the curtains and crawled under the blanket. I closed my eyes and sighed again.

Jack is such a sweet person and I'm a moody bitch. I think about how I don't deserve him every day. It's been 2 weeks and he still hasn't told me that he wants to end it. It's just a matter of time I guess.

I already felt that I won't be able to sleep tonight so I took my phone, plugged in my headphones and opened Youtube. I started to watch random videos to disract myself from over thinking everything and just hoped that my eyes would close soon.