10 Years Later (Larry 1d)

Chapter 14

Harry looked like he'd stopped breathing for a few seconds before starting, "It's hard to explain, but I'll do my best. I'm not really sure where to start, but the beginning is as good a place as any. I suppose it all started in the X-factor audition bathroom." Louis raised an eyebrow at this and opened his mouth to ask what the fuck a bathroom 15 years ago had to do with any of this, before Harry desperately begged him, "Please don't interrupt me, I'm not sure I can get this out unless it's all in one go." Louis gave a short nod before leaning back into the sofa and gesturing for him to continue.

Harry took a deep breath and started again, visibly shaking, his eyes staring at the floor, "I met you in that bathroom, and I immediately knew that you were going to be important to me. I didn't know how or why, but I just had this feeling in my gut that we were meant to meet. And then at boot camp when I saw you again, when we put together in the band it all made sense. Getting to know you at the bungalow was the best week of my life up to that point, you were like my beacon. You were all I could think about and it was so confusing, you know, because I was sure I was straight, I liked girls. But the more time I spent with you the more obvious it was to me that I liked you too."

Louis was stunned, not quite believing what he was hearing, Harry was gay? Harry had feelings for him? He sat wordlessly, as Harry continued, "I used any excuse I could to touch you, any excuse I could to sit near you, to look at you, and for a brief time I thought you felt the same. You were as affectionate with me as I was with you, but you were with Hannah and I was too scared to bring it up. Then all that Larry Stylinson speculation started and you were so quick to laugh at it, so convinced that there was nothing but friendship between us that I realised that you didn't feel the same. It broke me to know that it was all a joke to you, and that you couldn't see what the fans did; that I was in love with you. Then you got with Eleanor and she was so upset by the rumours that you stopped finding them funny. Then management got involved and separated us. I was just so broken and I found it so hard to be around you."

Harry paused before admitting bitterly, "That's when I turned into a bit of a shit. I started withdrawing from you, I started hanging out with Grimmy and that lot, because Nick understood. As we ever talked about was you and how fucked up my life was that I was head over heels in love with my best friend who had no idea because I was too much of a pussy to tell him. I had sex with a couple of guys, but I realised that it wasn't what I wanted unless it was with you, I couldn't enjoy sex with girls or guys without imagining you. I went out on all of these dates, with men and women and fucked around a lot, trying to get the thought of you out of my head but nothing worked. It got to the point where I couldn't bear to be near you until we weren't even friends anymore, but that made me even more miserable than being around you."

Harry took a deep breath before saying tightly, "So one night," and then with a burst of anger and sorrow, "One stupid fucking night. I got shit-faced and I knew I couldn't carry on like this so I thought fuck it and came to tell you everything, to try and explain why I'd pushed you away. Only you weren't there, and Eleanor was. In my drunkenness I'd forgotten that she was with us on tour. She was upset and crying so I sat with her and started crying too. We were both so broken and fucked up from being in love with you and then before I knew it she was kissing me and I was letting her. I knew while I was doing it that it was wrong, that this was the worst thing I could ever do and probably the most stupid. I couldn't stop though, all I could think was that this would be the closest I would ever come to having you, kissing someone you had kissed in the desperate hope that somehow some of your love for her would rub off onto me. I know it makes no sense, I still can't make sense of any of it even now. All I know is that it was the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forgive myself for it."

Louis sat there with his head spinning, trying to process what he'd heard. He looked at Harry who was still staring at the floor, tears running down his cheeks, not daring to look up at Louis. Before he knew what he was doing, he launched himself at the other sofa and hugged Harry, wrapping his arms around the taller man as Harry bawled into his chest. Soothing his fingers through his curls as Harry wept into him, Louis whispered, "I'm sorry, I didn't know".

Louis realised for the first time that Harry was as broken as he was, that he had unwittingly hurt Harry as much as Harry had hurt him. Realising how much pain he had caused Harry, who was once his best friend, overwhelmed him and then he was sobbing too. They clung to one another crying for what seemed like hours before they let go, slumping drained on the sofa next to one another.

Given that Harry had bared his soul, Louis supposed it was his time to talk. He started hesitantly, eyelashes still wet, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way but..." Harry scrubbed his eyes and interrupted him to tell him that it was okay, that it was his own fault for never telling Louis. Louis took a deep breath and continued "... But I don't know if it would have made a difference. While I might have been more sensitive around you, I am not gay. I am sorry for hurting you though, and I'm sorry for not understanding when you needed your space."

Harry laced his fingers in Louis, and they both flexed their wrists instinctively, remembering the familiar feeling before letting their linked hands settle and replying quietly, "I know. I always knew really that you wouldn't have reciprocated and I think that's why I never told you; because I knew you would have rejected me and I wouldn't have been able to cope with that back then."

Louis fell silent for a moment before he asked, "So why tell me now? What's changed?" Harry looked at Louis intently and said, "I have. I'm not a love-struck little boy anymore Lou," Louis' heart constricted as Harry called him by his nickname, the name he'd forbidden anyone to call him for ten years, but Harry didn't seem to notice, continuing, "Quite simply, I got over you. I mean, I think some part of me will always love you, but I'm just not in love with you anymore, y'know?"

Louis felt relief wash over him, ignoring the tiny voice inside him that hummed with disappointment that Harry wasn't in love with him anymore, brushing it off as simple vanity. He looked into Harry's eyes, green meeting blue, and said simply, "I forgive you". All of the pain of the last 10 years seemed somewhat worth it to see the flash of joy in Harry's green eyes, before Louis apprehensively asked, "Do you think you can ever forgive me?" Harry looked at him puzzled, asking incredulously, "Forgive you? You've done nothing to need forgiving". He shushed Louis as he tried to explain that he'd hurt Harry too, and that really this was all Louis' fault for making Harry so miserable in the first place. Plus he'd broken up the band, ignored Harry for ten years and never given him a chance to explain. Harry smiled crookedly at Louis and told him to shut up and stop being stupid before pulling him into a hug.