blurry face - phan

chapter twenty two

// I tried to draw Dan and Phil from this book but it didn't really work argh why do I bother.

If any of you guys wanna try fan art for this book id love it! //

dan

Dan dreads art now.

He honestly just spoke to Mrs Lynne to try and get her off his back, but turns out it made her even more attached to him.

She constantly stops him after class and warbles on about 'pain' and 'love' and 'emotion' and crap like that. Dan hasn't spoken to her again in fear that she will annoy him even more.

Come to think of it, Dan hasn't really spoken that much since. Maybe because everyone has accepted his refusal to speak, so they never speak to him. Which is good because Dan has simply nothing to respond with.

He only wants to speak to Phil, but that's never going to happen.

"Dan, c'mon, it pains me to see you like this," Connor says, falling into step beside Dan as he slowly walks towards his art class, "you need to start living again."

Dan shakes his head in response. He doesn't want to live without faces. Or without a tattooed, blue eyed, pale, 'punk' marshmallow.

"Will you come over to my house this afternoon?" Connor asks, leaning over and resting his head on Dan's shoulders.

Dan shakes his head again and tries to keep walking, which is hard when he has a tiny American constantly head-butting his neck and shoulders.

"Please, please, pleeeeaaasssee?" Connor begs.

Dan huffs, rolling his eyes but he nods his head. [yes but he wants to say no. what does Dan mean? I'll stop sorry...]

"I want to hear you say your answer thanks Dan," Connor says, making Dan huff in annoyance.

"Fine," Dan snaps, wriggling out of Connor's grasp before stalking down the corridor to his next class.

Connor smiles smugly. He feels guilty about keeping Phil a secret from Dan, so he's going to at least try to show Dan that he can live again - even without Phil.

Dan arrives in the classroom and sits in the desk beside Charlie, who smiles at Dan but he can't see it.

"Yo Dan," Charlie says, trying to be all cool like, "what up homie?"

Dan rolls his eyes, but he can't help letting out a soft chuckle at the boy. Charlie smiles triumphantly.

"Made ya laugh Danny," Charlie says.

"Not Danny," Dan says, "never Danny."

"And speak? What have you done with the Dan Howell I know?" Charlie asks amusedly.

"Killed him," Dan says simply.

"I like this Dan better, is he gonna stick around to stay?" Charlie asks.

"I hope so," Dan says.

And he does hope so, but he knows that soon enough, the grief of Phil will come crashing back down on him, ruining every sense of happiness he's ever felt.

He knows it will, because it happens every time he feels happy. Happiness makes pain ten times worse.

Because it isn't just pain then, it's guilt. The guilt of being happy when they're dead. It's the worst kind of guilt, the kind you simply can't make better.