blurry face - phan

chapter thirty

// is it weird that i'm jealous of that elephant? //

phil

Phil misses Dan.

It feels like there's just something missing, like that feeling you get when you just know you've forgotten something.

Phil feels like he's forgotten Dan physically, like he no longer knows what it's like to have Dan beside him. He misses him, so freaking much, he knows he made a mistake.

The truth is, there were people nearby at his university - connections of Shane's. They may have been out for revenge, or potentially harmless, either way, he could feel them watching him. They knew who he was.

If they were monitoring him, they could've seen him call Dan, and used hi against Phil again. So he stopped calling, hoping that they'd just leave him alone.

They didn't.

Then, they confronted him when he was walking home. They cornered him, questioned him and threatened him. He lied. They were obviously loyal and close partners of Shane's, if they knew Phil was the reason he was arrested, they would seek revenge.

That's why Phil came back, he transferred to a university back home, away from those guys. Then, when he came to see Dan, he was with that stupid Lyle.

The most painful thing about seeing Dan with Lyle is that Phil can clearly tell that Dan doesn't love Lyle like he loved (or loves?) Phil. He can tell, his eyes aren't as bright, his smile not as wide...

Phil doesn't want to brag, but he loved the way Dan looked at him - like Phil was the most beautiful, wonderful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Phil also loves to look at Dan when he isn't looking. He likes the way Dan sometimes smiles to himself, the way he bites his lip, or the way that he sometimes just looks like a tired puppy.

That's it, Phil tells himself, he can't wait around any longer. He's not going to wait until he's old and grey and full of regret, he's not going to wait until it's too late.

He's going to get Dan Howell back, because he loves him, there's simply no other explanation. Phil Lester loves Dan Howell, and he'll scream it to the world until Dan finally listens.

Which is how Phil ends up at Dan's house, his closed fist hovering centimetres from the wooden door, unsure whether he should knock or not.

"Come on Phil," Phil whispers to himself, closing his eyes, "you can do this. You've knocked on doors before, you can knock on this one."

Just as Phil is about to reach forward to knock on the door, a voice interrupts, making him jump in fright and yell out in surprise.

"Nice pep talk there Philadelphia," Dan says, trying to hide the smile on his lips, "I never knew you struggled so much with knocking."

"Dan..." Phil stammers, looking at the boy in pure, utter disbelief.

"Phil?" Dan says back, frowning in confusion at him.

And in response, Phil grabs Dan's shirt and pins him against the front door, smashing his lips against Dan's. Phil feels all the nerves on his skin set alight, making his skin tingle, heart beat quickly and his whole self take flight.

But the moment is soon ruined, when Phil feels two hands roughly grip his shoulders and pull him back, shoving him away from Dan. Phil looks up from the ground, his arm grazed and sore, to see Lyle standing over him.

"Why were you kissing my boyfriend?" He snarls, a glare on his face.

"I thought you two were on a break..." Phil stammers, looking between the two.