Rock N'Roll Chick

Confused

We drove in silence. I don't like this feeling. Confusion. Pain. Frustrated. Helpless and out of control.

I'm always in control. My way. My rules. I answer to no one. That's how I 've lived my adult life. But, now this kid,baby,whatever is taking that away from me.

I reached into my pocket to take one pill Nikki gave me. I tried to be casual. I just need something to calm my nerves. I casually took it with a drink of Pepsi.
"What was that"? Bret asked glancing sideways at me. Shit. Busted.
"Oh? Nothing. Tylenol." Way to go,girl. Good job.
Bret didn't reply. He just nodded. We both knew I was lying.

We went to the beach. We had picked out our favorite place and we came here constantly. Walking up to it gave me a strange feeling in my chest. Come on......take effect damnit!

We sat as we always had before. Side by side looking out towards the ocean. It's so gorgeous here.

"So, you're marrying Nikki?" Bret asked. There was no condemnation in his voice just sadness.

I cleared my throat again. Why do I keep doing that lately???
"Yes, I am." I couldn't look at him. What the fuck? Why am I acting this way? I'm TorKat. Nothing phases me. I got this. But, right now, I felt like 14 year old Torrence. Scared,lost and utterly useless and alone.

Bret turned to me. He gently cupped my face with his hands. "Why? Why Tor?"

I couldn't bear the pain in his eyes. The pain I caused.

I puffed up my chest,took a deep breath and with a confidence I didn't feel I said, "I love him."
"Bullshit."
"I love him."
"Bullshit."
"Yes, I mean no. Not bullshit. I do."
"Maybe you do love him but what we had.....have is different. You and Nikki are about drugs you and I have something special. I know Nikki is in love with you. I've seen it. I've seen it in the way he looks at you but you don't look at him the way you looked at me."

I sat in a silent stupor. Unable to come up with a response. Could be the drug or my realization I've caused pain. I'm just a worthless bitch.

I opened my mouth to speak. Bret silenced me. "Don't say a word just listen. I know why you ran. What made you leave. It was my family, your brother,the baby. You've spent your entire life running and there it was in your face. You couldn't take it. So, you ran."

His words angered me.
"Bullshit. I don't run. I'm not a pussy like you seem to fucking think. I am tough. Look at the asses I've kicked? Or, how thousands of fans do whatever I want? Bitch,please."

Bret just shook his head sadly.
"Tor, I love you. I am in love with you. If you don't want me,as much as it hurts, I'll let you go. But, I won't let you take my baby from me."

"So, this is what it's all about?? The baby. You just want it. I do not. My body. My choice."

Bret became angry. His eyes turned into ice. "No. I'm the father. I have a say."
I snorted. This asshole wasn't giving up!
"What do I have to do to get this ridiculous lawsuit stopped?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "Marry me. We can be a family. You have your brother and my family loves you. Still."

"Bullshit." I spat the word at him.
He sighed loudly. "No. They do. They understand you and know why you ran."

I glared at him. "I did not run."
"Ok. Ok." He held up his hands in surrender. "So, you didn't run. You left. Anyway, your choices are marry me or fight me in court."

Fury cursed through my veins. All I could see was red. Nobody and I mean nobody tells me what I will or will not do nor does this asshole get to give me "options" oh,hell to the no!

I shoved him away as hard as I could. I stood up. "Oh no. You don't get to dictate this to me. My body. My choice. So, fuck off. You're going to lose. You wanna play house? Go. Find someone else cause I ain't her. You will lose coming up against me."

He stood up facing me. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a hacksaw. "Really? Well,my dear you're doing drugs and living with a known addict and dealer. Who the hell do you think the court will listen to? A strung out rocker chick with a heroin addict of a boyfriend or someone stable no drugs with a family? Not too hard to figure out Tor."

I slapped him across the face as hard as I could. He jumped back,startled. I want to hurt this asshole.
"Well, maybe it isn't even yours."

I saw the look that crossed his face. Good. It hit the mark.
"I don't believe you. You were faithful to me the whole time. I know you. You would not do that."

I shrugged. "Maybe not but at this point, it could be true or maybe not."

"Cut it out Tor! I know you didn't. Just cut the shit. Why? Why are you so insistent on aborting the baby,our baby. I don't get it. You could have everything you always wanted,it's right here in front of your face and you spit in it."

I couldn't take anymore of his Hercules speech. "I've been pregnant before and had an abortion before."

He looked surprised. " I didn't know that. "
"Nobody does."
"When? Who? Nikki?"
I shook my head violently. I did not want to go there but he pushed me.
"It happened when I was 12."
He looked completely shocked.
"12?"
"Yes. But, it was my father's."

I didn't realize I was crying until he wiped the tears away. I actually said the words aloud. The first time. Ever.

"Oh my gosh Tor....." His words trailed off and he pulled me into his arms and just held me.

I sobbed and sobbed. Finally. It was out.
"When did it start?" He asked.
Still crying still in his arms I managed to choke out, "when I was six and it didn't stop until he left. I got pregnant once and that freaked him out so he stayed away for a year. I was so relieved. But, a year later, he started again. My mother knew. She knew. She pretended not to."

Bret just held me as I spilled forth my childhood of horrors. He listened hugged me he even cried. I feel so safe with him.

I've never told anyone about any of this. He makes me feel safe and with you all the darkness goes away.

I wanted to stay with him forever just like this. He makes me think this could actually be a family. No. No.

I can't ever have one. I would only ruin it. I know this. He doesn't. Nikki does.

I stepped back. I was composing myself.

"That's the Torrence I remember. "
"Not so much."

He looked out. It's getting dark,let's go."

We drove to the studio where I left my car again in silence.

"Tor?" Bret said as I was climbing out of the car. I turned. "Do you want to come with me to the house?"

He looked hopeful. Poor bastard.
"No,Bret, I have to go home."
He nodded, "just be careful please? With Nikki and that lifestyle. Please."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes,father I will."

He did not seem amused.
"I'm glad we did this today. I felt happy. First time in a long time. "
"Me too."

I jumped in my car and drive home more confused than ever.