Rock N'Roll Chick

Reality

I'm going to be a mother. It's really happening. I'm actually happy. After the court date and stipulations but mainly because I felt little junior,as Nikki calls him, I knew I had to have the baby.

I went into psycho mom mode. I went to the doctor,took my pre-natal vitamins and ate like a horse. Healthy crap. I went to detox . That was rough but I had to. My doctor warned me this type of physical stress could harm the baby or even....end his life. Then, I looked at him and said, "So,a daily dose of Oxy and Clonazepam is better." End of discussion.

Problem is I was clean. Nikki was not. Not even close. As I became healthier, he became worse. Then,the fighting. We were starting to fight daily. Sobriety was hard enough damnit without it being in my face all the fucking time.

Nikki,who was my constant support,started disappearing on me. Hours at a time. Once he did it for an entire weekend. So, I called my crew and we tossed all of his belongings evetything,guitars and all,outside and set it on fire. Then, we roasted smores.

He came home too high to notice. He came in collapsed on the bed and didn't wake up for 48 hours. I was livid. And,hurt and scared.

I took a deep breath and called Jo. I missed her. I've got my band and they are my family. But, I needed Jo and she was a connection to Bret. One I still needed and wanted.

Apparently, he was dating now. Some whore bitch named Pamela Anderson. Total bimbo. I hated her. Irrational as fuck but I did.

Jo and I began our friendship as if nothing had happened. She was a constant in my house now. Certain lines we didn't cross or talk about;Bret and Nikki. She did not like Nikki one bit. And, she was holding out hope he and I would get together.

Jo believed he and I were meant to be and this baby proves it. I wasn't so sure but with Nikki loving drugs more than me I didn't know what the hell to think. She stayed more,he was there less. Jo was very concerned with our fighting. She Stepped Between US Many times. I may be pregnant but I can still kick ass. And, I did.

She said this wasn't good for the baby. I would want to kill Nikki then he would come to me crying,begging,promising he would change. I accepted it and the cycle started all over again.

It was the day of the first ultrasound. The day I found out the sex of the baby. I was so excited. Bret would be there,of course. It should be interesting. Nikki,myself with Bret and slut face all in the room. I was filled with excitement rage and sadness all at once.

It was 1:00. The appointment was for 2:30. We had to get going. I went upstairs to wake Nikki. "Baby,wake up,it's the ultrasound day." I shook him. Nothing. Ugh. Not fucking again
Just wake the hell up!
I shook harder and said louder "NIKKI! WAKE THE HELL UP!"
He opened his eyes scratched his chest and looked at me. Well,this is progress.
"Baby,I can't go. I'm too tired and I don't feel good. I'm going to rest . You go. See how our baby is doing." Then,rolled over.

Fury boiled up inside me. Our baby? Our baby?? How dare he...
I saw red. Rage took over. I picked up an ashtray from across the room and threw it as hard as I could at him. Fortunately or unfortunately it missed his head by a mere inch.
"YOU FUCKING JUNKIE SON OF A BITCH! THIS ISN'T OUR BABY,IT'S MINE!! SO,JUST LAY THERE AND BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THIS KID LIKE YOU ARE YOUR OTHER ONES!" I was screaming.

That got his attention. He sat up. Threw the ashtray on the floor,"Fuck you,you bitch. Go to your stupid appointment and see your precious Bret. Go fuck him. He's the one you want!"

I smiled evilly. "Don't worry, I will." With that, I walked out leaving him swearing behind me. Fuck. Him.

I sat in the waiting room alone. No Bret or slut face. Is he bailing too? Suddenly, the door burst open and Bret came rushing through looking hurried and red faced. He surveyed the room,I looked behind him. "Just us,"I stated quite obviously.

"Well,are you ready to find out the sex?" The technician asked. She was smiling. Bret sat next to me while I lay on the table or whatever it's called.
"Yes." We said in unsion.
She grinned. "Ok. Congratulations you're having a boy."
I instantly started tearing up. So did Bret. I looked at him. "We're having a boy. A son."
He pushed the hair off my face,kissed my cheek and whispered "We are. Our son." He laid his cheek on mine. We both cried happy tears. It was a wonderful moment and sharing it with him made the most perfect sense in the world.

The technician cleaned me up and said to wait the doctor needed to speak to me. I thought that was normal. So, I turned to Bret "No Pamela?"
He groaned and shook his head. "No. Don't even ask. No Nikki?"
"No. And don't even ask."
He nodded. My stomach growled.
He looked at me. "Hey, want to grab food after this? I'm hungry and our boy is too."
I didn't even hesitate. "Yes."
We were about to talk more when my doctor walked in.
"Good afternoon Torrence. How have you been feeling?"
"Oh,just great. Throwing up starving,bouts of energy then sleeping for hours. Crying or wanting to kill."
He laughed. "All very normal." Then,he grew very serious. "Have you noticed any cramping or spotting?"
"Um, a little. I thought it was normal or in my head." I started to panic and grabbed Bret's hand.

"Well, it isn't Torrence. You are what we call a 'high risk pregnancy ' with the chemicals you used in your first trimester and your body is very stressed. It's harming the baby." He held up his hand as I was starting to freak. "All can be corrected. Your baby's heartbeat is a little slower than were comfortable with and you have a low lying placenta."

"What the hell does that mean?" I said. My voice sounded shrill.
"It means I want you on bed rest for the next 4 weeks. No stress. No working. That should stabilize the heartbeat and placenta. Then,we will bring you back in and see how you're doing."

We walked out together and climbed into Bret's car. I left mine there and I was in a daze. Not really ok to drive.
We drove in silence. I sat staring out the window and he drove.
"Torrence, it's going to be ok. Really. Just do exactly what the doctor said and you and he will be fine."
I looked at him like a lost 5 year old. "Are you sure?"
"I promise."
He reached over,took my hand and I let him. We ate at a diner off the beaten path so we would not be recognized. I ate basically the menu.
Bret finished and looked at me. "Do you,uh want to come back to my house? I mean,you can rest and you will be waited on and taken care of."

I thought of my own home with strung out Nikki and I knew that would cause stress to no end.
"What about Pamela?" I asked.
He shook his head. "We're done."
"That settles that then. I'll go home with you."

Problem being our attraction is still very alive and there. We walked in
Nobody was home
In minutes, our clothes off and we were in bed.
I awoke several hours later to my phone ringing. It kept ringing and ringing. At first I thought it was Nikki but then I didn't recognize the number and dear God,it wouldn't stop.

I answered groggily "Hello."
"Torrence,this is Duff from G N'R."
I sat up straighter. Warning bells went off in my head.
"Um, I'm sorry to tell you this but um, it's Nikki. Torrence,he's dead.