Rock N'Roll Chick

Triumph and Tragedy

I drove Nikki home. I drove in silence shaking on the inside. My stomach was starting to cramp. No. No. Calm down girl. Relax. I placed my hand on my stomach as I drove.

I glanced at Nikki slumped in the passenger's seat. He thankfully survived. Thanks to the quick thinking of Duff and Slash. They,in the end,saved his life. Nikki did die in the ambulance which was when Duff called me.

The next day Nikki left the hospital against medical advice,against my crying and begging him to stay and go to detox. Hell,even Duff and Slash agreed. Irionic as hell.

Now, I am driving him home. I don't want to. I don't want to go there,don't want to be with him. I was shaking so hard I could barely drive. I lit a cigarette. I had to.
"You really shouldn't smoke." Came Nikki ' s muffled voice.
I looked at him with hate in my eyes.
"Really. You did not just go there. Just shut the hell up and go back to sleep."

Thank God Jo and Kriss and Tony were at the house waiting for us. I noticed none of his band mates were there. Great friends. Those fuckers. I hope they burn. They helped me carry him into the living room. We flopped him on the couch. Tony kicked his legs up onto the couch. "Comfortable asshole?"
Nikki barely glanced at him,nodding.

"Look," Kriss said,"We know you're in no condition to take care of this asshole. Let us help you."

I shook my head. The cramping was back. I tried to not let it show.
"I am going to make sure he's settled,pack my shit then I am going back to Bret's. I don't want him alone so I'm going to call Tommy or Brandi or someone."

Jo looked annoyed. "You don't owe him anything. Leave him. Come with us."
"No. He is still my husband. For now. I want to make sure he is ok before I leave."
They understood and left. I walked into the living room. He was still sleeping. I went to the kitchen,fixed him a small plate of food,a glass of water and placed it next to him while I went to our room to pack.

I was packing for about a half hour. I was calling Tommy as I walked in the living room and saw a sight that stopped me dead cold.

Nikki,on the couch,shooting up. Are you fucking kidding me right now? How can he be doing this?!
My stomach cramped so hard I grabbed it and fell against the wall. My breathing was heavy,I was sweating.
"Nikki. What the hell dude?"
I had already hung up the phone so I pitched it. My vision was getting spotty.
He looked up at me. "What?"
I stared at him open mouthed. Is he? Could he? He just died. At that moment, I knew. He was a walking needle. He was too far gone. I am leaving.

His eyes already half shut,fucking needle still half stuck in his arm I stumbled to the door. The pain was unbearable. I should call someone. I barely made it to my car.

I sat down. Feeling something wet and sticky between my legs. No. No. Please. No. Just drive. Get to Bret.

I backed out and started to drive. The pain was so bad,I lost my ability to think and breathe. I literally couldn't breathe. Panic started to well up. Keep going. Keep going. My vision became blurry,spotty,the last thing I saw was on coming traffic before blackness took over.

Slowly,I opened my eyes. I heard beeps and knew I was in the hospital. I looked around and felt my stomach. Still there. Ok. He's alive.
"Hey, look who's awake." I turned and saw Bret. He was sitting on my left side. Danny,Tony,Kriss all in chairs on my right. Jo and Debbie sitting across the room. I noticed something before I spoke their eyes were all sad. Danny wouldn't even look me in the eye.

It's Nikki. He's dead. For real this time. It's all my fault. I left him.

I couldn't take anymore. "What happened? What's going on?"
Nobody answered. They all looked at one another. Clearly,they did not want to tell me.
"For fuck's sake! Tell me damnit!"
Kriss stepped up. She sat on my bed. She was chosen because I trusted her the most.
She took my hand. "Torrence, you passed out driving and went off the road. You sustained..um...some minor injuries. Uh, Nikki actually found you. He saw you leave then followed you. He was in no shape to drive but anyway. "
She paused. Everyone was either looking at the floor or had tears in their eyes.
"Well,"She continued,"He saw you,the wreck and knew he caused it. Somehow in his strung out stupor,he had an epiphany. He got you here then checked into rehab. He is sober and has plans to stay that way. He is staying at a facility for 6 months. That is good."

Still,everyone looked somber and upset. Am I missing something? What?
This time Bret spoke. "Torrence, sweetheart,our baby,the baby..."
No. No. Stop talking. This isn't real. No.
He was crying. "He didn't make it."

I let out a scream that made everyone jump. "NO! You're lying! Stop talking! He isn't dead! He's alive! Stop it!"

They all tried to soothe me,calm me down,comfort me. It wasn't working. My baby was dead. I killed him
I did it. Just like my mother. I destroyed a family. I began screaming and screaming. I saw black. I couldn't stop screaming. I killed him. I killed him. I want to die.....God let me die. I am a murderer.