I don't want to stay, but I know that I can't go. Even though that fight was the worst we've had in a while and both of us are still distraught, he needs me here. Both of us stand awkwardly broken up from our kiss. My eyes fall to the shattered pieces of lamp on the floor and instinctively I begin to pick it up. Ever since the accident I have a thing with glass being on the floor.
"I'll get it baby." He says, preventing me from bending to pick up the pieces.
I shove him off, harsher than I meant and he's surprised by my actions. I kneel on the floor and proceed to pick up the pieces anyway. He lets me until they're about half way picked up and he intervenes anyway. Once the glass is cleaned up, he sits down on the couch. I try to walk by to get to his bedroom but he catches my hand, pulling me down to sit with him. I cross my arms and my legs, staring down at the denim of my jeans.
Slowly but surely I feel him inch closer to me. Then his arm wraps around my waist while his other hand rests on my knee. My eyes follow the lines of his finger, up his muscular arms, across his shoulders, and meet his strikingly beautiful blue eyes. I let my eyes fall to his lips, mentally tracing their outer lines in a slightly titled Cupid's bow. His nose curves up slightly, in the most lovable way.
"We need to talk." He says softly, the words throwing themselves off his perfect lips.
"I don't know where to start." I admit, shifting uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry." He says yet again tonight. "I know you've heard this all before but I am."
"I know you are." I say quietly, my eyes finding it very difficult to hold his gaze any longer. "I hate fighting with you."
"I just lost it." He tells me, pulling me closer to him. "I felt it. I just snapped Rach." His voice begins to shake and he holds me tighter. "It scared me, if it weren't for the cops I don't know how bad it would've been."
"We can't keep doing this." I tell him, taking a deep breath.
His body tenses, and I know what he's about to ask. He wants to pull his usual 'so we're just done now then?' bullshit that he usually pulls but he doesn't. And I make note of that. I try my hardest to look at him but I just can't bring myself to.
"You said you would change." I remind him, keeping my voice low. "And I didn't expect it to happen instantly, but you told me you wouldn't go back."
"I know." He nods, not even trying to fight it anymore. "I don't want to lose you."
"Marshall I love you and I don't want to be like this anymore..."
I rub my face in my hands and for some reason Maverick pops into my mind. I hear his voice in my head saying 'I have to think about me. I don't know how much more of this I can take.' Those words play on loop in my mind. I've given Marshall way too many chances, I make exceptions for him because I love him and don't want to lose him. But maybe I should think about me and what really would be best for me. He needs a reality check, that if he wants a family with me and if he wants to be with me then he needs to get it together. I think he needs an ultimatum.
"Rach." He says, snapping me back to the conversation. "What does that mean?"
"It means," I start, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to look him in the eyes, "that if you can't change, I'm not going to-"
"Stop." He cuts me off, placing his hand on the side of my cheek so I can't turn away. "Don't say it. Please."
"I mean it." I tell him.
He shakes his head, in denial about the whole thing and leans his forehead on mine. His breath is fast and short, his hands begin to shake. I take them in mine, lacing our fingers together.
